[James Gutierrez]

AIBU 26.04.2024​

AIBU, which stands for 'Am I Being Unreasonable', is the perfect platform for sharing your thoughts and opinions! So, for today's AIBU discussion, we have this story from Reddit/Fuzzy_Future_2642:

Am I being unreasonable for telling my 14-year-old daughter that she's average-looking?

'I (F39) have a very insecure daughter (F14) who has a depressingly unhealthy obsession with her looks. She often avoids mirrors and pictures because her mood instantly drains when she sees herself. She constantly asks her father and me if we think she's pretty, and we always tell her the same thing: that she's a beautiful girl inside and out. As I understand how most teenage girls are with their body image, as I was one at some point myself, my daughter's vanity is not only becoming exhausting to those around her, but I fear it's causing her to slowly lose herself.

Yesterday, I decided to sit her down to chat with her about this, to discuss what's bothering her, and to see if she's willing to visit a therapist. She told me she didn't want to talk about it, but as her mother, of course, I was going to be worried about her, so I insisted. She finally agreed.

A few minutes into this conversation, she asked exactly this, "Mum, I want you to be completely honest with me. That means no sugarcoating. The kids at my school think I'm ugly and say I look like a bird because I have a big nose. Do you really think I'm beautiful, or are you just lying?" I'm an honest person, so I gave her the most honest answer I had. I told her she was average-looking, like most people in the world are, and that it's not a bad thing to have an average appearance. She immediately got up and left without saying a word and just went into her room for the rest of the night.

Today, she has been cold and distant, and I think I upset her, which wasn't my intention at all.'

We're eager to hear your perspectives, members! Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below.

 

[Colette 3799]

Nothing wrong with average but I guess if the kids at school are saying she’s ugly she was probably hoping for a bit more than ‘average‘. Kids can be so cruel. She’s probably a beautiful child and a pleasure to be around. And that’s what the focus should be on. No one is usually happy with everything about themselves, pointing out her best qualities and giving her lots of praise would be what I would be doing. As she gets older she will realise being ‘pretty’ is not the be all and end all.

 

[DrivingGirl]

Tough question to answer, that one!
You’re never going to win brownie points - she will believe what she wants to until someone or something (maybe a therapist) can change her perception of herself.
There’s so much more going on here than just self image.
Hope she can come to terms with the beautiful person she can be when she can give up the obsession with appearance and peer pressure.

 

[Ann1e]

It certainly comes across as a bit heartless IMO, it will be a statement she will remember for the rest of her life.
I think acknowledging how hurtful & painful it must be, having people be unkind to her and make nasty comments about her looks each day, must be extremely hurtful....and to then have your mum reinforce this, must make her feel very sad. You missed a good opportunity to let her know you loved her and were on her side. That noone should be harassed for something beyond their control. I would have started a conversation about how interesting love is in this regard. People's perceptiom of beauty is very much influenced by their feelings towards someone. I'd have steered the conversation towards a more general chat about how a pretty girl that was meant & nasty, would not always seem as pretty once you got to know them better. And how you could never see her as anything but absolutely gorgeous, because you loved her to bits and had thought she was the prettiest thing you had ever seen, and always would.

 

[JocelynMary]

Sadly, I think the Mum was so wrong, bearing in mind the girl's age and remembering how hard it is to be 14 and have bitchy girls at school saying things about her appearance, I think the Mum should have said you are the most beautiful child of 14 years that I know.

I made the mistake when my daughter was about that age and she asked me what I thought of her outfit and honestly I told her that I thought it made her bum look a bit bigger. Of course this was the devestatingly worse thing I could have said for both her and myself. I have regretted it since the day I said it.

 

[PepeLePew]

Children today are a bunch of snowflakes. If they can't learn to love themselves for who they are and what they look like, then how in the hell do they think anyone else is ever gonna be able to love them.

 

[Bublz]

Girls of this age group and beyond, can be obsessive with how they look. It's part of fitting in (sadly). Having gone through years while my girls needed reassurance I have avoided "labels" telling them that their features haven't been fully refined yet and that I can't judge because every day of their lives I've thought they are the most beautiful being I have ever seen (which is my truth).

 

[Johan van Zalen]

I think the best thing you can do is to reasure her that the real beauty comes from within. And as she ventures through this world she will see that for what it really is and that the real beauty goes beyond skin deep

 

[midgemills]

In my teens I was " the girl next door ". A much nicer term for being average.

 

[Edam]

Tell her the story of the ugly duckling. Who knows how she will develop as she reaches maturity.