[Sethia Soliman]

AIBU 25.03.2024​

AIBU, which stands for 'Am I Being Unreasonable', is the perfect platform for sharing your thoughts and opinions! So, for today's AIBU discussion, we have this story from Reddit/@idiotfatheraita:

Am I being unreasonable for refusing to let my stepson and his newly pregnant girlfriend move in with us?

'My wife (40 years old) and I (42 years old) have been married for 3 years. We don't have any kids together, but she has 2 kids from a previous relationship. I have decent relationships with her kids but due to their ages when I met their mom, I never assumed a father-type role and they never expected me to fill that for them. Their biological dad is involved in their lives and we all get along pretty well. My stepdaughter is at college so we don't see her very often. My stepson (Joe) lives a few hours away from us with his GF and works full-time.'

A couple of weeks ago, Joe called my wife and asked if he and his girlfriend could come visit. My wife was very excited because she hadn't seen Joe in a while. But Joe never just visits for fun. It's almost always when he needs something and knows my wife has a harder time saying, 'No' if he asks in person.

So I wasn't surprised at all when Joe and his girlfriend excitedly told us that they just found out they were expecting and the girlfriend is 9-weeks along. After the initial excitement and tears from my wife, Joe dropped the question I knew was coming. They want to move in with my wife and I while they get their feet under them because their current 1-room apartment isn't big enough for a baby.

My wife looked at me and must have sensed my hesitation because she said this is something we all need to discuss first to make sure it will work. Joe and his girlfriend agreed and told us to ask them anything. My wife asked a few questions about whether or not this was planned and what their plans were besides moving in with us.

Joe and his girlfriend started talking about how their apartment could work if needed, but it's tiny and there's no separate room for the baby. They could also save a lot of money by living with us and getting a better place sooner that way.

Then, Joe's girlfriend said that it wasn't planned but they are both so excited to be parents. She said that she had to switch birth control due to a hormonal imbalance and that Joe hates condoms and it just kind of happened. Joe then laughed and joked about how much condoms suck.

I had been mostly quiet up to this point. But after Joe made that joke, I spoke up. I told them that it sounded like both of them knew that the girlfriend was in a transition period with birth control and that this sort of thing could happen and yet still choose to be stupid about it. I told them they were both idiots if they thought I was going to be OK with this situation when it was completely preventable by them not being dumb. Joe's girlfriend started crying and my wife and Joe immediately started consoling her. My wife scolded me for being too harsh and that we all still have a lot to talk about.

My wife and I have been fighting about this ever since. She thinks we need to help in any way we can and I think that since Joe and his girlfriend were dumb enough to get themselves into this, I don't want to end up being responsible for a baby when they inevitably do something dumb again.

So, members... What do YOU think? We're eager to hear your perspectives! Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below.

 

[Jo Piper3]

Why not put a cot in the parent's room of the existing dwelling? The baby will not need it's own room for at least 9 or 10 months.

 

[maxesmum]

Well,step dad didn’t need to be quite so mean. He could have been way more tactful. That said….not his monkeys,not his circus. He’s not responsible for housing son,g/f and baby for an unspecified time without some kind of remuneration. There’s been no mention of how long they intend to stay,if they intend to continue to work,if they will pay rent and contribute to the household. All important topics that need to be discussed.

 

[Denbri]

If it was me, my answer would be a strong NO. If they are old enough to make babies, they are old enough to live by themselves. If they are struggling financially, give them grocery vouchers, help with baby necessities. You deserve to have a life as well, and once they have moved in, you will just be babysitters

 

[Gsr]

There would need to be a lot more discussion to work out expectations from both sides, financial contributions, living arrangements, time frames etc. it could turn out to be a very rewarding experience for all of them or a total disaster depending on what decisions are made before any changes happened.

 

[marni]

I decided that it’s ok to say No. the younger generation see us as a bank and of course help in the dog sitting g/ baby sitting department. If they think they will save lots of money they obviously think they will be eating at your dinner table and using your utilities for no remuneration. Is your house large enough, could you build a granny flat (with their rent paying for same) The mum would not expect to be working when Bub arrives - meaning you have no privacy 24/7 as well as a crying baby making for restless nights. No is a hard reality they need to hear

 

[Loz04]

I wouldn't. I don't have children but seen too many that take advantage and ultimately you are left footing the bills and they won't move out. My home is not a motel, is yours?

Selfish, yes, but they have made their decision so they should be responsible for it. Maybe offer some financial assistance into alternative accommodation and see how that goes - obviously if you have the funds. Been in the position of 2nd wife with his children. NEVER AGAIN.

 

[Frog1958]

It's got nothing to do with a 'stupid' mistake. If either of you are uncomfortable with the request, it is a 'no'. You may be able to help in other ways, but you have your own lives to live. Good luck!

 

[DLHM]

Out of necessity, many years ago, my husband, baby and I lived in a one bedroom unit. We lived there from before our son was as born until he was 11 months old. It was cramped, but never once did we entertain the idea of moving in with parents. It was a different world then.

 

[natalielocket]

Let them look for a bigger place. Once they are living at your place, Girlfriend doesn`t have to cook, do washing, housework, Son doesn`t need to mow lawns, help washing up, etc. The list goes on. Have seen it happen with other Families, and after a couple of years, sponging, having inbuilt Baby Sitters, etc, why leave. Good luck.

 

[starrysnan]

I agree that the baby won't need his/her own room for quite some time - We always had the baby in our room and that worked well. Or as other members have said they could look for a bigger place. You can still help them without living with them and losing your lifestyle.

 

[roamin]

NO WAY thats all i can say without Swearing. They save money because you pay, we fell for that with a cousin for 2 or three weeks that ended up being 7 or 8 months. They Ended up Expecting us to stay away on Weekends so they could have the whole house to themselves In the end my wife and I were uncomfortable in our own home then I had to ask what plans he had to get his own place and i was the worst person in the world.
If the ex was such a good person she would still be with him do Not Fall For this

 

[marni]

It's got nothing to do with a 'stupid' mistake. If either of you are uncomfortable with the request, it is a 'no'. You may be able to help in other ways, but you have your own lives to live. Good luck!

it may already have impacted the relationship with his wife. A mother’s nurturing instinct never goes away. They are not his kids - so he is being more realistic. Such a sad situation that could have such an impact on their future

 

[Luckyus]

When i and siblings were born we had in my parents room, to my knowledge never had an adverse effect. I can see too many problems down the track with this arrangement.

 

[PepeLePew]

Hell NO! Would never let any of my children & their kids move back in with me without a damn good reason. When my daughter, her then abusive partner and her twins found themselves out of a home, I took in my grandchildren but not my daughter and the drop kick she was with at the time. It wasn't until he abused her one to many times & she came crying home that I said she could stay at my place on the grounds that she dumped his sorry arse and found herself a place to live before her children started High School. This she did and also got herself a job and is now in a much better place.
This person's son & partner need to learn to stand on their own 2 feet and pay their own bills and not expect others to help support their mistake. They were the ones who chose to get pregnant, now they need to work out how to handle the consequences.

 

[Barbara V]

Yes I would say no because unfortunately they will get comfortable and not move out anytime soon. I made the mistake of letting my mother-in-law stay with us when she came down from Scotland as I felt sorry for her being alone,she intended to get a job and own place.Funny thing my husband was hesitant but she stayed. Worst choice I ever made she stayed for well over 6months,and would overide things I told my 2 children they couldn't have. Never found out this until after said deed was done and caused a lot of tension in household.Should have listened to my husband as he knew his mother better than me and he was a only child like me