[Athena E.]

AIBU 16.09.2024​

AIBU, which stands for 'Am I Being Unreasonable', is the perfect platform for sharing your thoughts and opinions! So, for today's AIBU discussion, we have this story from Reddit/Majestic-Hour-1961:

Am I being unreasonable for what I said to my elderly parents?

'My wife and I moved in with my parents to help them financially because they were struggling with bills on their retirement income. It was a downgrade for us, especially for my wife, who wasn't used to living like that. We rented out our own home to have some extra income.'

'My mum kept complaining about how my wife was spending too much on food, even though my wife was the one buying the groceries. We started going away on weekends to get a break from it all. Then, for some reason, Mum started hogging the shower whenever my wife had to leave for work, making her late.'

'My dad didn’t do much around the house, as he still has old-fashioned ideas about who should cook and clean, and they both had issues with my wife working full-time.'

'Eventually, my wife had enough and rented a small studio near her job. I started staying with her there more often because it was so much more peaceful than being with my parents. After receiving a massive electricity bill (thanks to Mum leaving windows open with the aircon blasting), I told them I was done supporting them. They didn’t know how they’d manage to pay for bills, food, insurance, and taxes without our help. I suggested they downsize or sell their house.'

'They then asked if we could give them the house we were renting out. I explained that we still had a mortgage to pay on it, even though we were also paying rent for the studio.'

'Mum had a go at my wife, saying she needed to cut back on her lifestyle. I told my parents they should be the ones cutting back because I wasn’t giving them any more money. Dad asked what they were supposed to do, and I suggested they get part-time jobs, especially with seasonal hiring coming up.'

'Now, they think I'm a monster for suggesting this, but it’s really their only option to keep things going. Am I being unreasonable?'

 

[BellaB18]

No l don't believe you are being unreasonable. For the sake of your marriage l think it best you and your wife go back to your normal life. Your parents will just have to cope. It sounds like they are living behond their means.
Good luck, of course we would do anything to help our parents but it sounds like your mum is very critical of your wife. Red flags. Best to let your parents work it out.
Kind regards Vicki

 

[Nozmo]

No you are not being unreasonable.
They are being unreasonable expecting you and your wife to support them when your mother is being uncaring, inconsiderate and wasteful whilst denigrating your wife, and you. Good luck.

 

[Elaine Senior]

No u gave up your home to help them save there’s now u and your wife r paying rent paying your mortgage off let them do what u said sell their home get a unit if they don’t like to do the work time for you and your wife

 

[MIZMAC]

No. Let them sell their home and move to a retirement village or downsize to a unit.
You are not here to fund them. Let them work within their money restrictions. Many of us do this.

 

[MariaG]

Can't please all the people, all of the time.
Before coming to arrangements like this, there has to be a round table discussion about rights and responsibilities of all parties.
Unfortunately, the parents were not coping, as is the case with many folk on a pension. For that reason, their selfishness is somewhat of a puzzle.
When we were between house sale and new build, my hubby and I moved into my mum's home for a few months. My mum was by no means struggling as she was always thrifty and a good saver. Even so, we told here it was our responsibility to pay 2 thirds of all expenses, and, I was quite happy to take over the housework. We sat down and went over everything. Never had a problem.
My feeling about the problems experienced by AIBU is that the parents appeared to believe they were the ones making the sacrifices and wanted to tra lah lah along without acknowledging why their son was there in the first place.
If something does not work, walk away.
It might appear selfish and unfeeling, however, sanity must prevail.
At the same time, all the reasoning behind the decision to walk should be clear.
I think it might be time for mum and dad to down size and look at a nice little villa or whatever so they can live within their means.

 

[novezar]

The old adage is, young people can't live with old people. It just doesn't work out as this particular situation fully demonstrates.

I know that I'll get a few "Knockers" on this posting, but, it is the case in the greater majority of times.

Poor old mum & dad will have to just work their own problems out. They didn't want juniors help at all.

 

[Noon]

No you're not, it is not a good thing to live with your parents as older women have different ideas about women working, also your Mum is used to doing things in her house & she does not like change. She does her way, your wife does things her way. So there's bound to be conflict. Your best bet is for you & your wife to go back to your own house, but if you can afford it, you both stay in the studio.

 

[Gsr]

The old adage is, young people can't live with old people. It just doesn't work out as this particular situation fully demonstrates.

I know that I'll get a few "Knockers" on this posting, but, it is the case in the greater majority of times.

Poor old mum & dad will have to just work their own problems out. They didn't want juniors help at all.

It depends on the people, our daughter and her then partner lived with us for quite a few years while they were saving for a house deposit. There were never any disagreements, we shared the cost of the bills, they contributed to our mortgage until we had our house paid off, just a token amount as they were paying half the bills. I cooked meals when we were all home together, they cooked for themselves if they weren’t home for meals with us. They helped with cleaning, keeping the bathroom and bedroom they used clean, and helped in the kitchen with dishes etc. we were considerate of their shiftwork rosters, they were considerate of hubbys shift work roster and my work and babysitting I did with the grandkids. It was a happy arrangement for us all. They moved out when they bought their house and are now married. Our son and his first partner also lived with us for several years until they bought their home. The arrangement was similar. We were always of the opinion that since we have a large home there was no sense in our kids paying rent to someone else when they could live with us while they saved for a home. We gave them the offer with the understanding it was their choice if they wanted to stay at home or move into a rental. We had no disagreements with any of them, maybe we were lucky that we have always had great relationships with both our kids and their partners. Our son and his first partner are no longer together but we still have a great relationship with her, and as she is mum to three of our grandchildren it is important to us to maintain it.