[Sethia Soliman]

AIBU 15.04.2024​

AIBU, which stands for 'Am I Being Unreasonable', is the perfect platform for sharing your thoughts and opinions! So, for today's AIBU discussion, we have this story from Reddit/No-Access-7558:

Am I being unreasonable for telling my grandparents they are to blame for my dad's inability to keep it in his pants?
'My parents were together for eight years and had me when they were 24. When I was 3 weeks old, my mum found out my dad was cheating on her. A few weeks after that, she found out he got another woman pregnant. Their relationship ended for good, and my mum hates my dad. She tries to hide it from me but I know she hates him and I hate him too.'

'My dad has a lot of kids and probably has a lot more that we don't know about. We know about nine of us (me included) and all of us have different mums. He has sole custody of two of them but he has a few he hardly ever sees and the rest he has about 50/50 relationship with, which included me up to last year.'

'He's not a good parent. He hates my mum. Of all the involved parents, my mum is the most financially and emotionally stable and has provided me with a life none of my dad's other kids get. I always have what I need for school, never have to worry about running out of clothes or toiletries, and we are comfortable enough that I get to go on vacations and I get to take part in any extracurricular I want. This was not helped by my dad at all. This was all my mum and what she provided for me. She has also made it possible for me to go to college if I want to.'

'My dad has always envied what my mum can do and he fights her for not "spreading the love" to his other kids and not helping him out with the mess he made. My grandparents also hate my mum. They feel like she provided so well for me, and that she could have ensured that any children related to me were okay too. They also talk about my mum abandoning my dad and throwing away the family they could've had.'

'I told them before, many times even, that my dad cheated and got someone else pregnant and there is no coming back from that for most people. They disagree with this and say that many people make relationships work after cheating and they can learn to love the kids and give them all a good life. But my mum decided to be selfish.'

'They also say things sometimes about my mum being at fault for my dad having so many kids. They act like her leaving made him go around impregnating every woman who'll sleep with him. It infuriates me.'

'My grandparents turned up at our house while mum was at work a few days ago and told me they wanted to give her a piece of their mind because dad found out through his lawyer that mum had saved for me to go to college.'

'My grandparents started the usual rant about her being to blame for dad having so many kids and not keeping it together. Instead of saying to blame their son like I normally would, I told them they're more to blame than my mum since they raised him. They were furious with me and told me people blame the parents way too much. So, am I being unreasonable?'

We're eager to hear your perspectives, members! Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below.

 

[Colette 3799]

What a crock! They have enabled their son‘s behaviour which is why he sees no consequences. It’s everybody else’s responsibility never their precious sons. They have a grandchild who has been brought up responsibility by a hard working mother that they have no respect for. The grandchild and the mother need to cut all ties with these toxic people

 

[Penny4]

I don't think one needs to be a genius to agree with the son. His mother has been exemplary with raising him. The father and his parents are bullies.

 

[LahaniWong2018]

The father and grand parents can take a hike. The grandson should sue them for something?
How could so many women be so stupid defies belief?
Time to cut ALL ties. The father is a no good and is being enabled by the grandparents. The mother and son have absolutely no responsibility for anyone other than themselves.
This is a very unhealthy relationship and no good will come of keeping the ties.

 

[Onebadnanna]

You are very lucky to have such a great mum. Learn from her and no one else in the family tree. Good luck for your future.

 

[MariaG]

We all have a right to voice our opinion at any given time.
Telling the grandparents how it is was well within the realm of a reality check.
After that, the old saying... "don't get mad ... get even"
Do what you need to do so that history does not repeat itself, set goals and work hard to achieve them, make your mum proud by proving that her hard work for your future was not wasted. Then you can thumb your nose at the deluded grandparents and know you succeeded despite their stupidity. You don't need them in your life. They can tra la la down the yellow brick road with their disgusting son.
Good on mum. At least there was one person who stood her ground amongst all the horn dogging.

 

[natalielocket]

Stick by you Mum. An Amazing Lady. Forget about your waster father and his parents.

 

[Jest]

STAND TALL, STAY STRONG. YOU HAVE NO REASON FOR GUILT. YOUR GRANDPARENTS ARE NOT WORTHY OF YOUR THOUGHTS.. NOR YOUR PARENT WHO SIRED YOU. KEEP YOUR MUM ALWAYS IN YOUR THOUGHTS AND HELP HER, NO ONE ELSE.

 

[Johan van Zalen]

I'm not surprised that your father is the way he is with parents such as your grandparents. Your mum is an amazing woman after having to put with so much from her ex inlaws and raising you to what you are now. You have a great sense of values

 

[Johnnie boy]

Of course they are responsible for the promiscuous and irresponsible behaviour of their son. Parental responsibility starts at home and it’s sad they they continue this inadequate parenting by criticising his (x?) wife who is providing her son with opportunities unlike her husband

 

[Sockjoan]

Good grief! Your Mum is amazing.

 

[Gsr]

How lucky you are that you were born to the best mum and not one of the other women your dad got pregnant. You and your mum are not responsible for helping out any of the other kids, any of their family, your irresponsible dad or his parents. As the old saying goes, they made their bed, now they can lie in it.

 

[JenH23]

Firstly I would just put the toxic grandparents and your father out of your life, they are jealous of what your mother has been able to achieve, she is amazing. Your mother doesn't owe any of them anything and as for looking after the other kids from other women - no way that's your father's responsibility. I wish you and your mother all the best for the future

 

[Ingot]

Don't go down the hate road, and help your Mum to also resist this toxic emotion.

Someone once said: "Hatred is a poison we drink ourselves, hoping someone else will die."

You have had a great start to your life, and have experienced the good and bad in human nature.
For that, you are wise beyond your years.
Now build on that.

The Great Teacher once taught us:
Love your enemies
Do good to them that persecute you and spitefully use you
Turn the other cheek
Pray for them
If they are hungry, feed them
If they demand your coat, give them your shirt also

You are wise and discerning.
Apply the above sensibly and with kindness.
You are not responsible for changing this man or your grandparents, and likely as not, they may never change.

But you do not have to carry hatred around all your life - don't do that.

But you can be the change you'd like to see in the world, without compromising your great values, which your Mum has imparted.

 

[KaitlinHill]

Family relationships are often confusing and emotionally charged. In such situations, it is often difficult to decide how to act correctly. Your sense of responsibility to support your mother is important and understandable. However, when dealing with difficult family dynamics, it may be helpful to seek help from a professional, such as a marriage and family therapist. This can help you and your family better understand your own feelings and find ways to resolve conflicts.

 

[Johan van Zalen]

This may be an interesting column