[Sethia Soliman]

AIBU 13.05.2024​

AIBU, which stands for 'Am I Being Unreasonable', is the perfect platform for sharing your thoughts and opinions! So, for today's AIBU discussion, we have this story from Reddit/@EmphasisExisting54.

Am I being unreasonable for asking my husband if he did anything for Mother’s Day?

'My husband (42 years old) and I (35 years old) had a son last year, so this is my first Mother’s Day. We both work remotely.'

'Back in April, he was on a business trip for a few weeks, while I held down the fort (working remotely while taking care of our baby). He’s not the kind of person to care about holidays... '

'Two weeks ago, a few days after he got home, I told him I cared about Mother’s Day and what I wanted for Mother’s Day—a couple of small things including pictures, a new thermos, and to do something together as a family. We’ve had a busy couple of weeks with him settling back in. He does look after the baby a lot, but I take bedtime and nighttime duty and do a lot during the day. We both cook a lot, and we both do a lot of the chores.'

'On Mother’s Day, I woke up early to feed the baby. My husband was a little awake, so I asked him if I should expect anything for Mother’s Day and if he got anything ready. This is because I honestly would prefer to know so I’m not disappointed. He told me "When would I have the chance?” And started getting upset. On the one hand, I didn’t want him feeling bad, but on the other hand, he has had two whole weeks to do something, and he could have told me he needed to spend more time out and I would have looked after baby while he did Mother’s Day errands.'

'He got really upset with me and told me that he never had time. I asked him if we could come back to this conversation later, and that I was sure we would do something for Mother’s Day. But I don’t know if my tone was right as he got very upset and said that I was abusive, because I was always doing things like this and making him feel really bad.'

'I apologised and said I never wanted to hurt his feelings, but he scoffed at that and asked if he should expect this for the rest of his life. Then I asked him to step out of the room to calm down while I got the baby back to sleep. After some more back and forth he did, and I’m sitting here writing this now. I honestly try to be reasonable and listen carefully to what people I love say, but I feel like I’m crazy right now.'

'Am I being unreasonable?'

We're eager to hear your perspectives, members! Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below.

 

[Jest]

easy fixed. don't do fathers day.

 

[harrywwc]

hmmm... two weeks heads up to get a card and some flowers (as the bare minimum)?
not unreasonable.
what they lazy bum could have done (as he obviously didn't get those) is get up make some breakfast - coffee / tea, eggs, toast - something to show just the smallest appreciation.
of course, with father's day coming in september, you have the choice of doing nothing ("because y'know, when would I get a chance?") or go all out and OTT and embarrass the hell out of him.

 

[Colette 3799]

She told him she didn’t want to hurt his feelings?? I’m sure her feelings would be hurt and she would be feeling unappreciated with his lack of effort, first Mothers Day especially.

 

[Iturate]

Are you familiar with the term gaslighting? You might want to look that up...
You both work remotely so I assume he has some familiarity with the internet and its availability as a source for shopping and delivery?
So he didn't have time to think ahead and plan a day out doing something you would all enjoy? No gift required.....

 

[Mrtnst]

Not having been in the room I can't say if there's any validity to his comments on your tone of voice.

But on his failure to prepare anything for Mother's Day, with or without prior notice... he sounds like a bit of a dud in the husband stakes.

 

[Johan van Zalen]

Yes, there was a lot of uncaring on his behalf

 

[Luckyus]

Anzac Day, Christmas Day, Boxing Day, Good Friday, Easter Sunday, Birthdays and Wedding Anniversaries and Weekends, all the rest are Bull Shit?

 

[APapaz]

What happened to common sense? Or is it not common anymore?

 

[what]

My EX did exactly the same to me. My first Mothers Day - NOTHING!!

 

[Johan van Zalen]

My EX did exactly the same to me. My first Mothers Day - NOTHING!!

I can see why he is your ex

 

[natalielocket]

Maybe Mothers Day and such was not a big issue in his Family. And as you had reminded him, surely he could have asked some of his mates what he should buy, or where to take you for a meal. (one that don`t mind children and lunch time is probably best time.) But, unfortunately a lot of males just don`t think. Even when reminded about special days. I used to remind my Husband my Birthday was `next week`, shall we go out for lunch/dinner, whatever. Though I always remember his. Men are like that. Something else about your Husband you have to get used to. Good luck

 

[MariaG]

Well, first, I don't think you are being unreasonable. To save future disappointment, expect the worst for every event so you can, hopefully, be pleasantly surprised in the future.
My sister was telling me about the family she married into. Two sons, dad passed away when the kids were quite young, suddenly a single mum doing the best she could. Both sons NEVER acknowledged Mothers"day, birthday or Christmas. So, poor woman just pushed disappointment aside and went on with the business of running her household and raising 2 kids alone.
My sister was bewildered by this, so, she asked her mother in law to join us in all our family celebrations. She did so with great relish. Eventually, sis and her hubby parted ways, but we maintained the involvement of Nanna in our family events. We had no problem leaving both of her sons out of the equation.
So, if need be, buy yourself something or do something you would love, get the money off the oh so busy hubby and forget about Fathers' day, birthdays and Xmas as far as he is concerned. Hopefully he might eventually get the message.

 

[Joydie]

Maybe Mothers Day and such was not a big issue in his Family. And as you had reminded him, surely he could have asked some of his mates what he should buy, or where to take you for a meal. (one that don`t mind children and lunch time is probably best time.) But, unfortunately a lot of males just don`t think. Even when reminded about special days. I used to remind my Husband my Birthday was `next week`, shall we go out for lunch/dinner, whatever. Though I always remember his. Men are like that. Something else about your Husband you have to get used to. Good luck

Two things: it's not acceptable to say 'Men are like that' or 'Something else about your Husband you have to get used to.' Why should men get a free ride on thoughtfulness? I've been married for 56 years, and my husband never forgets an important date. Any man who truly cares for his woman remembers to show his care for her on days that are important to her.

Why thi

 

[relljube]

Maybe Mothers Day and such was not a big issue in his Family. And as you had reminded him, surely he could have asked some of his mates what he should buy, or where to take you for a meal. (one that don`t mind children and lunch time is probably best time.) But, unfortunately a lot of males just don`t think. Even when reminded about special days. I used to remind my Husband my Birthday was `next week`, shall we go out for lunch/dinner, whatever. Though I always remember his. Men are like that. Something else about your Husband you have to get used to. Good luck

Not good enough - all OK for him to work remote - your role is to bring up the child! Seriously was this dinosaur born is the 30's? Maybe you should draw up a roster for when he graces you with his presence - child minding, cooking, cleaning, laundry etc etc. Sorry but only one word springs to mind - wanker.

 

[Joydie]

Two things: it's not acceptable to say 'Men are like that' or 'Something else about your Husband you have to get used to.' Why should men get a free ride on thoughtfulness? I've been married for 56 years, and my husband never forgets an important date. Any man who truly cares for his woman remembers to show his care for her on days that are important to her.

Why does this poor woman have to 'get used to' her selfish pig of a husband? She sounds like a sweet person and her husband is taking advantage of that. No woman should be treated like that. I hope she finds a way to make her husband appreciate her and show his appreciation. All women deserve this.

 

[Catherines]

Two things: it's not acceptable to say 'Men are like that' or 'Something else about your Husband you have to get used to.' Why should men get a free ride on thoughtfulness? I've been married for 56 years, and my husband never forgets an important date. Any man who truly cares for his woman remembers to show his care for her on days that are important to her.

Why thi

Absolutely - not just husbands but grown up children in their 50s also. If the same was done to children on their birthdays and anniversaries with no gift, flowers or even a card and phone call I’m sure the shoe will be on the other foot and they will feel it just as much.

 

[marni]

I make a reservation on birthdays. Anniversaries, mothers and Father’s Day, and the kids always were taken care of on special days. I must admit he says he goes where he is told. The whole thing is how does he treat you during the rest of the year? I say I don’t want to be treated as a princess a couple of days in the year, I want to have care, respect and love every day, just like I show him. Sorry he definitely is not a keeper and as far as I am concerned I would be wary of someone that’s works away from family with that attitude

 

[SandyM]

He tried to put it all back on her & made her feel bad by asking if this was what he should expect for the rest of his life. Wow! Well, what about her? This sounds like what she can expect for the rest of her life! I feel sorry for her. He sounds like a pouting child, who needs his mummy to do everything for him. He needs to grow up & start thinking of someone other than himself or risk ruining his marriage! He also needs to set a good example for his child.

 

[relljube]

He tried to put it all back on her & made her feel bad by asking if this was what he should expect for the rest of his life. Wow! Well, what about her? This sounds like what she can expect for the rest of her life! I feel sorry for her. He sounds like a pouting child, who needs his mummy to do everything for him. He needs to grow up & start thinking of someone other than himself or risk ruining his marriage! He also needs to set a good example for his child.

Classic gaslighting - get rid of him - he is toxic