[Athena E.]

AIBU 13.01.2025​

AIBU, which stands for 'Am I Being Unreasonable', is the perfect platform for sharing your thoughts and opinions! So, for today's AIBU discussion, we have this story from Reddit/CautiousHouse8265:

Am I being unreasonable for not buying my mother a birthday gift?

'My fiancée (Female, 25 years old) and I (Male, 25 years old) just had a baby last December 16. We are both on parental leave, and money is tight: we have bills, we just had Christmas, and we have a 3-week-old baby.'

'Now here is the situation: My mother’s birthday is the first week of January and she has asked for a gift. I politely stated I couldn’t afford to get her a gift this year, and if I did, it would be late. I was respectful in hopes she’d be understanding. I was wrong. Her response was along the lines of "I’ll forget about your birthday this year then". Which is fine, I don’t care about my birthday.'

'This was the icing on the cake. I told her I couldn’t get her a gift and I didn’t care if she forgot my birthday. In response to that, my mum started blaming my fiancée for me not getting her a gift and calling this whole conversation abuse. Basically, it insinuates that we are neglecting her or outcasting her.'

'For more background, ever since my fiancée got pregnant back in April 2024, my mum has tried to make the whole experience about her. She got mad when my fiancée didn’t take her to appointments with her. She got mad when I found out the gender intimately with my fiancée. She was upset with the last name we gave our son and made side comments about how my fiancée's mum was allowed in the delivery room and not her. Not to mention all the side comments saying my fiancée is a b**** or is paranoid. I have defended my fiancée through it all but it is getting ridiculous.'

'Am I being unreasonable for being against my mum?'

 

[Iggydi]

Gee this is a bit of a two edged sword. It's nice to get a gift or be acknowledged on your birthday. I have always told my kids if the can't afford a gift don't get me one. A phone call and a happy birthday means you are thinking of me. This woman obviously thinks a gift is more important. By saying you could get her a gift later should be enough. Was it a big one? If so I can kind of understand why the tanty about no gift but spending the day with the birthday girl should be enough. I don't think you are being unreasonable. I would tell your mum that you need space for a little while, until you get a routine with bub and everything else. Sometimes we need to think of ourselves before others

 

[StarTrekker]

I think the Mum is controlling. I don't expect gifts from my children. a Birthday wish, a phone call, even a home made lunch or breakfast. I am happy.

 

[sylfield]

I think Mum was wrong to ask for a gift. I would prefer time spent with my children any day over a gift.

 

[Pammac]

Wow, as a Mum and Grandma I can only say that your Mum sounds like a real piece of work.
I wouldn't want my mother-in-law in the delivery room with me and it's your child to name.
It seems to me that she wants to be the centre of attention.
Do you have siblings? Maybe she doesn't want to let go.
You are both adults with your own family now so concentrate on your happiness.
It's tough when family members act unreasonably.
Good luck to you.
.
.

 

[darrellh]

ßhe has clearly got her nose out of joint over everything I would say and her birthday is just the icing on the cake. You need to focus on your new family and she will either come around or not. Ring and wish her a happy birthday, send her a card and if she is not happy with that, she is being very unreasonable.

 

[novezar]

We're happy little vegemites as bright as bright can be.

 

[BlackWolf]

I didn't get my mother a birthday gift, I even forgot to get her a card. Her birthday is the 29th of Dec. She doesn't care if I get her anything or not. She also no fussed about Mother's Day either. She knows I love her without any gifts.

 

[Judy ABowser]

My only son & wife moved to France expecting a better life over there. I don’t expect anything for my birthday or Mother’s Day but it is a bit hurtful when you don’t even get a message or phone call on those days.

 

[gayle222]

Yes she is being self centre and lacking understanding . How dare she expect a gift,full stop. I haven’t had a gift for my birthday for years from my children. I love their phone calls more as I live 5 hours away. Last year my son and girlfriend actually forgot my birthday which was so not them. A week later I was staying with them and they put together a lovely dinner with funny/fancy things on the table and apologised for forgetting. I LOVED it, we had a great laugh. No you concentrate on your new born and supporting your wife and yourself as you navigate parenthood

 

[PepeLePew]

I am at an age now where I pretty much have everything material I need or want so not receiving gifts on Birthdays, Mother's Day or Christmas doesn't phase me at all. If asked what I want as a present the response is usually CHOCOLATE as I have a love affair with these delicious brown blocks of sweetness but in all honestly a phone call rather than a message is what I prefer as I believe that is more personal.

 

[mOiOz]

Tell mum to GROW UP!!!!!

 

[Suzanne rose]

I'm thinking he was a mummy's boy until his finance came along.

Seriously at my birthday I fet very spoilt by all my kids. I love the thought but would rather they saved their money.

As for this woman wanting to be in the delivery room ,that is totally up to the woman giving birth. Usually if a mum is in the delivery room it's the mother of the mum to be.
I've been in the delivery room with most of my daughters and that was because they requested it. During covid one of my daughters who gave birth During Lockdown cried for hours because I couldn't be with her. Thank goodness for video calling.

His mother needs to learn to back off. Why would she insist going to the check ups??

As for the gender reveal , if it was an intimate moment why would she carry on because she wasn't there.

Her son was definitely a mummy's boy.

I would love to have a conversation with this woman

 

[blueevie]

What a selfish woman!
My children and I decided long ago to buy gifts for the children only. I am delighted to receive a phone call.
Your Mother is scared because she is losing control, but you have your own family to think of now.

 

[Parrot]

No You are NOT being unreasonable in fact your Mother should have insisted you not buy
Her anything knowing you are on a tight budget She is being unreasonable and selfish.

 

[christinabobby2003@gmail.]

It is the thought that counts, not the value.
It is heartwarming to receive a card & a token of recognition of our birth dates.
Think again about your decision, let no bad feelings come between yourself & your birth mother .

 

[Jennie]

No, sounds like your mother is the one being unreasonable.

 

[Veggiepatch]

I haven't received a present from my three children since....

Buggered if I know.

And I don't care!

 

[Frida1944]

Mum sounds like a petulant child. As a parent she should understand how finances are stretched after the birth of a first child. She sounds very selfish. Most parents would be helping out their children if they were having financial difficulties.

 

[Macarj]

I always tell my kids don't get me presents at 68 there is nothing I need of cause my daughter always gets me something but that's just the way she is she would much rather give than receive