[Danielle G.]

AIBU 04.10.2024​

AIBU, which stands for 'Am I Being Unreasonable', is the perfect platform for sharing your thoughts and opinions! So, for today's AIBU discussion, we have this story from Reddit/BigA**Nurse:

Am I being unreasonable for refusing to help my brother pay for our mum's surgery?

'My mum is 65, and she recently found out she needs a knee replacement surgery that insurance won’t fully cover. My older brother called me to ask if I could contribute half of the out-of-pocket expenses, which come to about $12,000. The thing is, I’ve been financially struggling for the past few years. I recently had to take out a loan for my car, and I’ve been barely managing to stay on top of my bills. My brother, on the other hand, has a high-paying job, a huge house, and takes vacations all the time.'

'I explained to him that I just don’t have that kind of money right now, but he wouldn’t let it go. He accused me of being selfish and not caring about our mum’s health. He said that he’s already contributing more than his share since he’s the one taking care of her day-to-day, and he’s right—I live in a different city, so he shoulders most of the caregiving burden.'

'But it’s not like I don’t care about our mum. I love her, but I feel like my brother doesn’t understand my financial situation. He told me I should just take out another loan to help, but the thought of adding more debt is terrifying. Now, my brother isn’t speaking to me, and I feel guilty every time I talk to our mum because I haven’t told her about this. She knows she’ll need help with the surgery, but I don’t think she realizes the fight it’s causing between my brother and me.'

'The tension escalated when I suggested that my brother, given his financial standing, might be able to contribute more than half, which sent him over the edge. He said I was taking advantage of his success and not stepping up when it matters most. He pointed out that he’s the one sacrificing his time and energy by looking after mum, and that the least I could do was help financially. I know he’s under a lot of stress, but I can’t give what I don’t have.'

'Our conversations have become heated, with both of us feeling misunderstood. Now my brother is talking about cutting ties if I don’t come through. I feel torn between my responsibilities and my financial reality. AIBU for not helping to pay for the surgery when my brother is already doing so much?'

 

[Jerry5]

There is an old saying ……” you can’t get blood out of a stone” and I think your brother needs to come to terms with this.
It’s painful for you but you can’t give what you don’t have and increasing your debt is definitely not the answer.

 

[georgesggrandma]

No I don't think you are being unreasonable, I think your brother may be though. If he has the financial capacity to help your mother with her surgery costs then that's good for him but you are not in that position and I don't believe your mother would be happy if she thought you had to take out a loan to help when your brother could probably do it by himself.

 

[Mummanew]

I'll bet you have your hand out quickly enough for your share of the inheritance when the time comes

 

[BellaB18]

You are not in the wrong at all. I am very sorry your mum is suffering with her knee. Sad to say your mum will need to go on the hospital waiting list.
Your brother is wrong wrong. He is lucky to be in a good financial position. If he feels so strong about your mums surgery pay for. Just because you can't help it does not make you any less of a caring loving daughter. Your brother is wrong.
I truly hope things work out for mum, you and your brother.
Good luck
Vicki

 

[relljube]

I don't understand why the out of pocket expenses are so high - is she not covered by private insurance and if not, why is she not on the pubic health waiting list where there are no out of pockets? Quite obviously your brother is pushing the case to have it done now - regardless of the cost etc.
Surely your mother must know that you are struggling financially and would not expect you to go into debt for her. Perhaps it is time for you to ask your brother to arrange a round table conversation with he and your mum - I'll bet he won't be as bullying if your mother is involved in the discussion.

 

[marni]

Obviously not an Australian problem. No idea about which country where you need to pay for this surgery. Having paid private hospital insurance all our lives just to stop this sort of discussion - it is up to each to decide what is best. Probably better to get an accountant in And see how they can best organise her assets to make sure she gets the best outcome. How about adding the amount the richer sibling pays to the eventual inheritance - that way no one is out of pocket.

 

[novezar]

For my take on this situation, if the mum is on a full age pension, why isn't she now on the waiting list.

The post states that mum has just found out she needs a knee replacement. That's a whole lot of utter "BS".
As we know, bad knees build up for a considerable amount of time, not just on a flip of the coin where it happened the day before.

Her own quack should've put her on the waiting list straight away, & told her that it'd be at least, maybe 2 years before the op., could be done.

I bet mum has been crook with the knee for quite some time, without all possibilities being examined, & all she has done in the past,, is to have a whinge about it.

Why didn't the older son have her checked out yonks ago. It's all on his shoulder now. He's just a "Nincumpoop" if you ask me.

The way the post also reads between the lines, it doesn't sound that there is going to be any inheritance for the sons to share, as suggested by "Mummanew'.

I totally agree with "BellaB18." On the waiting list, she goes. All problems solved.

Just don't lose any sleep over it all.

 

[BellaB18]

For my take on this situation, if the mum is on a full age pension, why isn't she now on the waiting list.

The post states that mum has just found out she needs a knee replacement. That's a whole lot of utter "BS".
As we know, bad knees build up for a considerable amount of time, not just on a flip of the coin where it happened the day before.

Her own quack should've put her on the waiting list straight away, & told her that it'd be at least, maybe 2 years before the op., could be done.

I bet mum has been crook with the knee for quite some time, without all possibilities being examined, & all she has done in the past,, is to have a whinge about it.

Why didn't the older son have her checked out yonks ago. It's all on his shoulder now. He's just a "Nincumpoop" if you ask me.

The way the post also reads between the lines, it doesn't sound that there is going to be any inheritance for the sons to share, as suggested by "Mummanew'.

I totally agree with "BellaB18." On the waiting list, she goes. All problems solved.

Just don't lose any sleep over it all.

You are so correct. I had my right knee replacement 11 years ago it was packing up for many years. My left knee has been had it for the past 8 years. I have private health insurance. But l after my last experience l choose to.not have another knee replacement. Yes it's painful but that's my choice. I have many other issues too. So l don't complain about it just get on with life. We all have crosses to bear.
Kind regards Vicki