A Very Important Thing That Only Grandmothers Know: ‘Who giveth this woman?’

Note from the Editor:
This article was kindly written for the SDC by member Josephine G.

One of the banes of life for many women I know, which they/we conceal under a cloak of other-centred kindness, is the inability to know what we want. It is so much easier to go along with someone else’s design than to be clear about our own needs or desires. One reason for this, for those of us who have been mothers, is that for the years our children were dependent, especially when they were small, our needs had always to be secondary to those of our offspring. That’s a biological determinant, and it is hard to relinquish, partly because it gives life a certain kind of meaning, a knowledge that we are needed.



Another option was ‘religious life’. In that scenario, the necessity to put others first (second, third, fourth and on and on) was taught like a divine injunction. In the old style of religious formation, any tendency towards self-care was akin to a tendency to sin. So, at a conscious level, it is easy to see how the ability to know what we want can be atrophied by our life situation. The laying aside of any thoughts of purely self-satisfying activity is a well-embedded habit for many women and hard to break, especially where God is there to back up the selfish/sinful cluster of labels. (Here, of course, I mean the god of the church and our teaching, not the Definite Article.)

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I hear you Josephine!
My mother broke the mold in our family- it didn’t lead to a happy life for her children but she got to determine her own way - don’t know that it brought her much joy - sad to say!
I followed in her footsteps- and had a tumultuous life and put my children through more than they deserved in terms of change and instability- I wear the responsibility for this.
This world is kinder to those that follow the path intended for them sometimes, even though it’s not of their choosing. . .
 
Thankyou for this article. I have and am still struggling with 'doing my own thing' and really knowing how to go about it. I knew there was something way back but didn't 'get it'. I know it is ok to be myself but where is that person? 😉🙂.
 
Thankyou for this article. I have and am still struggling with 'doing my own thing' and really knowing how to go about it. I knew there was something way back but didn't 'get it'. I know it is ok to be myself but where is that person? 😉🙂.
Hard to find after a lifetime of putting everyone else before yourself - keep searching, even if it’s small victories- like “I don’t want to cook dinner tonight I’m going to have a nice hot bath and read my book in bed with a glass of wine”
I don’t know your circumstances, but in most cases nobody will die if you do that and you will have indulged your self for a change.
Just a thought. . .
 
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I have been a family GP for 45 years and sacrificed a lot in that time to keep working for myself. I did medicine despite coming from a poor background and my father discouraging me. I only had one child, didn't travel as much as I would have liked, as I couldn't afford to, and had a practice to run. I take exception to the author's assertion that all doctors, male and female are patriarchal. This has changed and I must state that I have always treated my patients with respect, both male and female, adults and children, and have also known and also been treated by some wonderful male doctors who were not patriarchal at all. If my patients were not happy with a certain specialist I would refer elsewhere. I have enjoyed working with generations of families and have also treated veterans form all the wars of the 20th century and still treat some who served in Afghanistan. Now as I reflect on my career, I realise I would've been better off working for other doctors as my income has always been low, due to Medicare, and I am now not well enough to work much. I can't travel as I need frequent hospital treatment which I couldn't do overseas. I agree that many women had their life course chosen for them by their parents, but this should not be happening now. And i would like to remind readers that not all doctors are patriarchal.
 
Hard to find after a lifetime of putting everyone else before yourself - keep searching, even if it’s small victories- like “I don’t want to cook dinner tonight I’m going to have a nice hot bath and read my book in bed with a glass of wine”
I don’t know your circumstances, but in most cases nobody will die if you do that and you will have indulged your self for a change.
Just a thought. . .
True...👍
 

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