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Going to Prison A judge had three young boys in court for minor drug misdemeanours and said, I will give you three a chance and not send you to prison. The judge gave each kid a postcard on the left hand side bottom corner was a small circle, on the right hand side half of the postcard was a...

Irish Confessional An Irish man goes into confession, he goes to the priest and says "Father it's been two months since my last confession and the last two months I have slept with Fanny Green four times" All right says the priest, go and say two hail Mary's!" Shortly after another Irish man...

Drinking problem It was early last September as near as I can remember While strolling down the lane in drunken pride. (hiccup) Not a word did I utter as I lay down in the gutter When this pig came up and lay down by my side Not a soul was I disturbing as I lay there by the curbing But...

Baby under weight A lady goes to the doctors surgery with a baby for its first check up. The doctor asks the lady to strip the baby down so he can examine the baby, he checks the baby and then asks the lady "is the baby Breast or Bottle fed?" The lady says "Breast fed!" The doctor asks the...

Squrriels

Lunch

My ex had a complex about her tiny breasts, I was quite happy with them and said "Any more than a handful is a waste!" She then said "Ye but look at the size of your bloody farmers hands!" I said "well why do you not rub toilet paper vigorously up and down your cleavage?" She said "will that...

Heaven on a plate!

Condoms

ABC

Woof! Woof!

Grand Prix Races My wife is an obsessed formula one racing car fanatic and watches every Grand Prix race from around the world every weekend. When I'm sitting beside her on the lounge suite watching these races, she thinks she is a racing car driver. She gets so excited, she leans over and...

Up there for thinking! Down there for dancing! In the middle for Romancing!

Rape whistle

Written on a Toilet Cubicle wall back in the early 70's It's no good standing on the shit house seat! Cos the crabs in here they jump 10 feet. If you think that this is high? Go next door, the bastards fly!

Snow White Movie Remake

James Always remember "In through the lips, forever on the hips!" I can buy a packet of suggestive Digestives Milk or Dark Wheat biscuits and before I realise, I have eaten half the pack, before I even have a cup of tea made! I have just eaten 3 while typing this and now the cupboard is bare...

The eyes have it A fisherman was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and a gorgeous woman was sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man...

My Oath!!

Why bother? By who's interested anyway!