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Could have told me, it was Alexa?

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Van Profile

Learned How To Say "Hi" In Mandarin

"Today, I asked my phone “Siri, why am I still single?” And it activated the front camera."

"I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies. She is not “fun to be around.”"

"My older relatives liked to tease me at weddings, Saying things like, “You’ll be next!” They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals."

My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don’t give a bugger.

"I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."

BUGGER 😁😁

Blood Type "My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” But it’s hard without her."

Battle of the Sexes A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs...

Family Feud A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like...

China Doll I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

Girl asks Mother A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mummy, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mummy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and...

Q&A Which part of a vegetable is the hardest to eat? The wheelchair.

Knock, knock. (Who's there?) Orange. (Orange who?) Orange you glad this isn't actually a banana?

Knock, knock. (Who's there?) Dewey! (Dewey who?) Dewey have a condom handy?

Knock, knock. (Who's there?) Tara. (Tara who?) Tara McClosoff.

Knock, knock. (Who's there?) Hey Wood. (Hey Wood who?) Hey would you eat me out?