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The Dubbo Olympics.
No offence to anyone living in Dubbo, alive or deseased!
Somehow I just don't think this bid will be successful ... but you just never know ;-)
West Dubbo is to make a bid for the 2028 Olympic Games. In order to increase the likelihood that the successful bidder will win at least some medals, the competition has been modified somewhat.
THE EVENTS
* 100 METRE SPRINT
Competitors will start outside the TAB and will have to hold a VCR & a microwave ( one in each arm) and on the sound of the starters gun, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 metres behind the athletes.
* 100 METRE HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles-car bonnets, hedges, garden beds, fences, walls etc.
*HAMMER THROW
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to visitors to West Dubbo within the time allowed.
*SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from the men in this event. The first target will be a moving police vehicle. In the second round competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller, petrol station console operator or video store attendent.
*BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be resticted to husband and wife teams and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 glasses of bourbon and coke at the Westside, followed by a quick check of a West Dubbo Studio, while the wife will be told not to make him any dinner when he gets home. She will be wearing bike pants, an old tshirt and thongs, and makes a valid attempt to get him to remove the old Torana transmission out of the bath.
*CYCLING TIME TRIALS
The competitor will attend the Riverside shopping centre where they will obtain a bike stolen from a mummys' boy ( preferably from a grammar school or college boy). They will then be pitted against the clock. Bonus points will be awarded for a helmet which would have been procured at the time of getting the bike.
*MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include robbery with violence, burglary, unlawful use of a motor vehicle, arson, willful exposure and going armed in public.
*MENS 10KM WALK
Unfortunately this is now cancelled as organisers cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of West Dubbo.
*GYMNASTICS
The beam will be replaced by the strip of gutter along Whylandra St outside Westside Hotel. The event will commence at closing time- we expect some rather difficult dismounts to be performed on this apparatus. The floor routine will be conducted in the padded cell of the Dubbo watchhouse.
CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include a bonfire made out of the West Dubbo Primary School accompanied by a local AC/DC cover band. The Olympic Flame will be extinguished by the West Dubbo Mayor by unrinating from the base of the spire in a cascading effect. The stadium (to be constructed in Sir Roden Cutler Park) will then be boarded up before local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping, electrical wiring and air-con.
