[Luckyus]

PROBABLY NOT FOR POLITE CONVERSATION.​

Some bloke just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans. I said, “f*ck that – knowing my luck, I’d win one!”
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What’s the difference between an illegal alien and ET?
ET looked better, smelled better, learned English, didn’t claim benefits, had his own f*cking bike, and wanted to go home!
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A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed.
The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.
A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can’t believe they sh*gged my wife after only five beers!”
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Got this text from my brother recently.
It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while?
The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock.
.... It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”

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I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.

She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!”

Thinking back, I really should have ran – but you don’t get offers like that every day.
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Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the f*ck out of this idiot at a New Year’s party.

In my defence…when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
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My wife just came in and said, “I don’t know if I am coming or going.
”I said to her, “Judging by the look on your face, you’re going – ‘cus when you’re coming, you look like a f*cking Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!”
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I saw a fortune teller the other day.

She told me I would come into some money.

Last night I shagged a girl called Penny – is that spooky or what?
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The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?”

..... Apparently “Only to stop myself from coming too quickly” wasn’t the right answer.
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