[Luckyus]

One or Two Too Hopefully Brighten Your Day​

Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?
Everybody won.

I was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.
I got through to a call center in Iran. Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane......

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...'Oi, what's your disability?'
I said 'Tourette's! Now f*** O**!'

Bloke says to his mate
"I've been taking steroids for a while and have grown an extra willy."
"Anabolic?"
"No, just a willy."

My girlfriend told me obesity was in her genes. I told her to bugger off as she looked a fat cow in a skirt as well.

Mummy Mummy, i keep going round in circles!
Shut up or I'll nail the other one down

Bought myself a new deodorant stick today. Instructions said take top off and push up bottom. I'm still in casualty at the minute but my farts smell bloody lovely.

Young woman gets on the bus and says "how much to Oldham?"
Bus driver says " There so nice pert I'll 'old em for nowt!'

Ten things men know about women,
1. They have a vaginal opening
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. They have breasts


Went to a Muslim pole dancing club. All the guys were was shouting
"Get your face out for the lads"

The P.C wallies are now saying we can't call pikies (travelers) pikies anymore
They are to be known as"caravan utilising nomadic travellers"orC.*.*T,s


Came home from work and wife greeted me.
She said - "Do you notice anything different about me ?"
I said - "You've got a new dress on"
No
You've got new shoes
No
You've had your hair done.
No
I said - you'll have to tell me
She said
I'm wearing a gas mask !


Wife says to husband," We have been married 35 years today "

Husband says to wife, " I don't remember breaking 5 mirrors "

The swelling should go in a couple of Weeks!!