[Athena E.]

Is it okay to say no to a long-standing family tradition?​

AIBU, which stands for 'Am I Being Unreasonable', is the perfect platform for sharing your thoughts and opinions! So, for today's AIBU discussion, we have this story from Reddit/After_Ad3961:

Am I being unreasonable for not following my husband's family tradition?

'My husband comes from a very traditional family. While we disagree with his family on many things, it has never really been an issue until now.'

'I am currently 8 months pregnant and my husband and I couldn't be happier as we've been trying for a while. Since I first found out I was pregnant, we've been discussing names for our child. In my husband's family, the tradition wants the child to be named after his grandfather. Basically, first-born men in his family only have one of two names: James or Henry. My husband's grandfather was James, so his name is James too. My husband's father is called Henry, so our child should be too. And so on and so forth.'

But my husband and I didn't really feel like calling our child Henry, and although it's a beautiful way to honour family members, we really wanted our child to have a name that would be personal, that would truly be his. So we chose another name, and decided to wait until after the birth to reveal it to everyone.'

'This week, my mother-in-law came to visit us and help us set up for the baby. She brought us some presents, amongst which was a bunch of clothes on which she hand embroidered the name Henry. I said that it was nice and thanked her for it, but told her that we wouldn't be naming our child Henry, as we had already told her in the past. She started insisting and saying that it was a tradition so it had to be that way. I explained to her that we'd rather give our child a name that we chose, and that Henry could be his middle name.'

'She immediately went to my husband and started saying things like, "You're not going to let her do that to our family" and making it very dramatic, saying that I was breaking a tradition that went back hundreds of years (honestly not sure about that). My husband tried to explain that we both agreed on the name, and all the reasons why we made that choice, but she wouldn't listen. She suggested that we name him Henry on paper, as his legal name, and then called him something else, but I thought that would be confusing for him and told her that he would be named what we chose.'

'She kept begging my husband and saying that I was ruining the family tradition, and at one point I lost it (which is partially to blame on hormones I think) and told her that it was our child, so we did what we wanted, and we didn't have to follow a stupid tradition. She stormed out and my husband has since received texts from his father and sister accusing me of making his mother feel really bad and some other stuff that I don't really remember.'

'I get the importance of tradition and it can be really beautiful, but also I feel like that shouldn't be an obligation and it's okay to change things. We won't change our baby's name because we're really set on that, but maybe we were wrong for not following the tradition? I'm not entirely sure, and am mentally exhausted by all this drama...'

 

[what]

You are the one having the child NOT your husband's family, you will be the one giving birth, therefore You and your husband name YOUR baby not his family. I had the same problem from my MIL I just paid no attention and went ahead and named MY baby a name I wanted.

 

[Catherines]

Whose child is this? Their’s or your’s & your husband’s? Don’t give in.

 

[Geoff01]

You are not being unreasonable, your MIL is. This child belongs to two individuals and as individuals you and only you have a right to name your baby as you wish. You will be giving birth not your MIL and she should mind her own business as far as the name you choose is concerned. Next she will be telling you how to dress the baby and where it should be christened (if you do that). The list is endless.

 

[PattiB]

That was enough to make me choke on my afternoon chocolate bar. What a ridiculous MIL. Time to ditch the family tradition and start a new one, it’s your baby so up to you & your husband to choose a name.

 

[Barbara V]

Is this really a true story or made up.Old traditions can be mind blowing but not in this day and age . I know a family where all first born boys named the same. Frustrating when you call a name and three people answer

 

[margaretritchie48]

My daughter in law's parent were Italian. In their tradition a son takes the name of the fathers, father as a second name. I did not have to object to this as my sons father and I have seen divorced for years and my son knew it would upset me. My grandson has his fathers name as his second name. I do not believe that children should be named after anyone as they are all individuals.

 

[Jennylolo]

We've had, through the lineages father's names used as middle names, but so have mother's grandmothers etc. The fact you had already told her this she had no excuse to go ahead and embroider any name other than what you have chosen even though she didn't know what it was. And what about how she made you feel?

 

[Dynomite]

You are the one having the child NOT your husband's family, you will be the one giving birth, therefore You and your husband name YOUR baby not his family. I had the same problem from my MIL I just paid no attention and went ahead and named MY baby a name I wanted.

Well said.

 

[Sass]

You & your husband are not wrong. Your baby is an individual & has a right to his own name & he will have his grandfather’s name as his middle name. It sounds like your MIL is blaming you so make it clear that this is something you have both decided, even though you shouldn’t have to. Stick to the name you both want, don’t give in.

 

[Janice McKay]

Your baby, your choice. Traditions are nice, but respect the parents of the child.