Note from the Editor:
This article was kindly written for the SDC by retired psychologist/ member @Joy Straw.

Several people have commented on the forum about dealing with aggressive behaviour, usually related to neighbours. It can be difficult to confront hostile behaviour when it is so close to home. The following are some ideas for approaching belligerent behaviour.

When confronted by an aggressive person, our body goes into fight/flight/freeze mode:

1. Flight mode is usually the better option, as staying may only increase aggression
2. Freeze mode means an inability to get away or even call for help
3. Fight mode is often the most common reaction, e.g. ‘You can’t say that to me,’ ‘Who do you think you are?’, or the all too frequent rant using expletives.

These are all normal reactions. However, one only has to read the news to see the results of fight mode—the last thing you want is to be arrested, whether you are in the right or wrong.

Source: Shutterstock

Rather, it is advised to seek ways to de-escalate a hostile situation. Have a look on Facebook to see how police are trained to use a quiet tone and a non-confrontational attitude (also, notice what happens when police don’t use those strategies). There are several other approaches that can be used to de-escalate a situation before it gets out of hand. A quiet voice and a gentle and respectful manner can go a long way in helping to resolve the issues in a positive manner.

Key things for dealing with aggressiveness

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[marni]

Thank you. Well noted

 

[MariaG]

When my grandson was little, he was having issues with a bigger boy in the playground. He came to me crying and would not go back into the playground.
I sat down with him and explained that it was not about him, but more about the naughty boy who needed to be called out on his teasing and name calling. I told him how I thought he might deal with it and stayed close when he went back to the lions den.
He was approached again, stood his ground, put his hands on his hips and said to the lad "you are being very, very naughty. My grandma says that is not acceptable, so do I. Stop, or I will ask my ma to talk to your mummy."
He was amazing. The taunting stopped.
He's a strapping 18 year old now, and, has said to me he will never forget that day.
Sometimes, the simple approach is just as effective.

 

[DLHM]

Thank you again for your words of wisdom @Joy Straw. I especially take note of dealing with people suffering dementia. Most on your list, I practice, but is good reinforcement from a professional.

I’ve always maintained that yelling and screaming in situations show a loss of control of oneself. If I’ve lost control, I feel I’ve lost the ability to put my views across. Then, who would want to listen?

 

[Veggiepatch]

Thank you again for your words of wisdom @Joy Straw. I especially take note of dealing with people suffering dementia. Most on your list, I practice, but is good reinforcement from a professional.

I’ve always maintained that yelling and screaming in situations show a loss of control of oneself. If I’ve lost control, I feel I’ve lost the ability to put my views across. Then, who would want to listen?

You have seen my aggression first hand but it is 5% of what it was 40 odds years ago. If that ever happens again, run far, very far and very quickly. I never want to experience that ever again.

 

[Joy Straw]

You have seen my aggression first hand but it is 5% of what it was 40 odds years ago. If that ever happens again, run far, very far and very quickly. I never want to experience that ever again.

The fact that you nice that you were in the past. Aggressive is incredibly positive for the future. Now the time to enjoy the life you have worked so hard to achieve. Congratulations on managing to control the anger.

 

[June E]

When my grandson was little, he was having issues with a bigger boy in the playground. He came to me crying and would not go back into the playground.
I sat down with him and explained that it was not about him, but more about the naughty boy who needed to be called out on his teasing and name calling. I told him how I thought he might deal with it and stayed close when he went back to the lions den.
He was approached again, stood his ground, put his hands on his hips and said to the lad "you are being very, very naughty. My grandma says that is not acceptable, so do I. Stop, or I will ask my ma to talk to your mummy."
He was amazing. The taunting stopped.
He's a strapping 18 year old now, and, has said to me he will never forget that day.
Sometimes, the simple approach is just as effective.

It’s hard sometimes to stop the taunting, I have a 5 year old great granddaughter who is being taunted for wearing glasses. I’ve been there and two of my sons as well. It seems that it goes on all through school years.

 

[Jest]

Dear Joy, I would be unable to carry out your do's and don't's. When hurt I just turn off and that friend is no longer. If tackled I do not back off. My adult children call me the Mother Lion as I will always care for them.
I am a person who alas does not see gray. Over time I have realised your own company is the best.

 

[MariaG]

Dear Joy, I would be unable to carry out your do's and don't's. When hurt I just turn off and that friend is no longer. If tackled I do not back off. My adult children call me the Mother Lion as I will always care for them.
I am a person who alas does not see gray. Over time I have realised your own company is the best.

Everyone is different. I get what you are saying.
When I was undergoing treatment for an emotional issue, I learned that it's OK to be happy in your own company. 1 think some folk could benefit from the value in sitting calm with their own thoughts.

 

[Joy Straw]

Dear Joy, I would be unable to carry out your do's and don't's. When hurt I just turn off and that friend is no longer. If tackled I do not back off. My adult children call me the Mother Lion as I will always care for them.
I am a person who alas does not see gray. Over time I have realised your own company is the best.

Dear Jest my articles are suggestions for dealing with aggression.you use what is best for you I’d only say that isolating yourself can be lonely. However as MariaG says it can be beneficial to sit with your own thoughts …. For a while

 

[DLHM]

Everyone is different. I get what you are saying.
When I was undergoing treatment for an emotional issue, I learned that it's OK to be happy in your own company. 1 think some folk could benefit from the value in sitting calm with their own thoughts.

I agree wholeheartedly!

 

[MariaG]

It’s hard sometimes to stop the taunting, I have a 5 year old great granddaughter who is being taunted for wearing glasses. I’ve been there and two of my sons as well. It seems that it goes on all through school years.

Your great granddaughter needs to know how special and valued she is.
When I was little, it would have been such a blessing to be told that I am special, I am beautiful in mind, body and spirit and...loved.
I talk to my inner child a lot. I had to be taught how to do this to get past my horrendous childhood. So, now I can walk forward instead of live with the dark cloud of the past.
Oh, how I would have loved having someone in my corner.
You are a good grandma. Helping you sweet 5 year old deal with the hurt may help you both.

 

[June E]

Your great granddaughter needs to know how special and valued she is.
When I was little, it would have been such a blessing to be told that I am special, I am beautiful in mind, body and spirit and...loved.
I talk to my inner child a lot. I had to be taught how to do this to get past my horrendous childhood. So, now I can walk forward instead of live with the dark cloud of the past.
Oh, how I would have loved having someone in my corner.
You are a good grandma. Helping you sweet 5 year old deal with the hurt may help you both.

Thank you Maria, I too had a horrendous childhood, which still haunts me but I concentrate on my family especially the young ones and try to make them see how special they are.