[Danielle G.]

AIBU 20.12.2024​

AIBU, which stands for 'Am I Being Unreasonable', is the perfect platform for sharing your thoughts and opinions! So, for today's AIBU discussion, we have this story from Reddit/SkagStoleMyBraincell:

Am I being unreasonable for quitting my grandma's cooking lessons?

'I (25M) have been living with my mum for years. About six months ago my grandmother (80F) moved in with us to escape a bad living situation. I was admittedly against it because of how much we don't gel, but I don't blame my mom or anything. It's her mum and she was in a really horrible place. I get wanting to help her.'

'My grandmother and I tend to bump heads often. She's one of those people who thinks that nitpicking is how she shows love, and often makes comments about things like my weight, my eating habits, my smoking (I vape- it's bad for me, so I figure that one's fair), etc. One of her major hangups is that because I'm autistic, I'm really touchy to certain food textures. She gets mad when I use the backup food she bought to avoid a dinner I don't like. She demands I try everything she cooks, and I do, but sometimes it's hard to swallow and that seems to hurt her. The food isn't bad or anything, I'm just really sensitive to certain textures, and I make sure to tell her that.'

'Anyway. Grandma has recently decided that a good way to get rid of my pickiness is to teach me how to cook the foods she makes. Cooking is an important life skill, so I agreed and we made a schedule where I wrote my name down on certain foods and she'd "teach me" to cook it. It's mostly me standing beside her while she rambles. I've not learned a thing, though I've tried really hard, asking questions and trying to find out measurements (she's big into "oh it's just a pinch" when I need solid facts).'

'Today, I was dealing with massive detoxing symptoms (I've been smoking WAY too much and recently realized how dangerous that was. I've thrown it all out and have been working to get myself back into therapy) and I knew if she tried to show me how to cook dinner we'd get into an argument. I told her that I simply couldn't do it today and crossed my name off the list, adding it to another recipe. Grandma got really mad about it and told me it wasn't HER fault I was detoxing (fair) and if I didn't help than I couldn't eat dinner. I figure that's fair and we do have a backup bag of chicken nuggets for situations where I can't stomach whatever's for dinner, so I'll eat that.'

'However, now I'm wondering if it would be unreasonable to stop the cooking lessons because of how she treated me this morning about it. I was just trying to avoid further arguments (she's very possessive of the stove and gets frustrated if I so much as move a piece of meat 'the wrong way'). I asked mom if she would teach me instead. She said yes. So I scratched out my name on the schedule entirely. Am I being unreasonable?'

 

[janj]

no you are not

 

[Nichola]

Good grief! Talk about people creating their own misery. This young man needs to stand up for himself (quietly but firmly) and his Grandmother should back off. This is really a non-issue. There are many more important things in life to worry about. Grandmother means well but she lacks insight.

 

[Towing]

For people with Autism a lot are sensitive to textures of food and other things in general. I know one who won't eat pizza

 

[GlynnA]

You are not being unreasonable

 

[Dynamo]

The situation is not working for you or your grandmother. Perhaps your mum could help with explaining that your time would be better spent on other tasks.

 

[Vera.S]

I work as a disability support worker and understand that some people with Autism have food texture issues.
I think maybe your grandmother doesn't "understand" this. Maybe she thinks you are "putting it on" or "being difficult" or even "trying to upset her, on purpose". After all, she is 80, and hasn't had to "bend" to someone's needs. She sounds like she's very independent and is not willing to give an inch?
If you have a mental health therapist, ask them how to approach this problem. Or you could call BeyondBlue and ask them.
I hope you can find a way to navigate through this.
Good luck.
And no, you are not being unreasonable.

 

[Nichola]

I work as a disability support worker and understand that some people with Autism have food texture issues.
I think maybe your grandmother doesn't "understand" this. Maybe she thinks you are "putting it on" or "being difficult" or even "trying to upset her, on purpose". After all, she is 80, and hasn't had to "bend" to someone's needs. She sounds like she's very independent and is not willing to give an inch?
If you have a mental health therapist, ask them how to approach this problem. Or you could call BeyondBlue and ask them.
I hope you can find a way to navigate through this.
Good luck.
And no, you are not being unreasonable.

Well said, Vera. That's good advice.

 

[Suzanne rose]

My question , is the author of this letter actually going to read these responses?

I keep reading Mom not mum so I'm thinking the author is American.

My answer to the question , tell Grandma to bugger off. She sounds like a controlling cow rather than a loving nurturing grandma.
It was your house first

 

[Jennylolo]

For people with Autism a lot are sensitive to textures of food and other things in general. I know one who won't eat pizza

Agree and there are some not so pleasant traumas mainly in childhood can also create issues with food particularly texture. There are all kinds of reasons for texture. The body doesn't always. respond a gag but also whoever body convulsive movements when being forced to eat whatever it is. And there can be many foods with a similar texture that can trigger the unresolved traumas. This is not about being picky either.

 

[richmich.4422@gmail]

One "?" only.
Why didn't the mother take in her own mother to look after her ?
The whole story is pretty wishy washy if you ask me.
Maybe I'm not sensative enough.

NOVEZAR.

 

[Viellarde]

My question , is the author of this letter actually going to read these responses?

I keep reading Mom not mum so I'm thinking the author is American.

My answer to the question , tell Grandma to bugger off. She sounds like a controlling cow rather than a loving nurturing grandma.
It was your house first

We are the only ones reading these responses. He mentions his autism, but it's very clear to me that grandma shows distinct signs of 'obsessive disorder'. Unless we label her behaviour stupidity and stubbornness?