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Going to Prison A judge had three young boys in court for minor drug misdemeanours and said, I will give you three a chance and not send you to prison. The judge gave each kid a postcard on the left hand side bottom corner was a small circle, on the right hand side half of the postcard was a...

Irish Confessional An Irish man goes into confession, he goes to the priest and says "Father it's been two months since my last confession and the last two months I have slept with Fanny Green four times" All right says the priest, go and say two hail Mary's!" Shortly after another Irish man...

Drinking problem It was early last September as near as I can remember While strolling down the lane in drunken pride. (hiccup) Not a word did I utter as I lay down in the gutter When this pig came up and lay down by my side Not a soul was I disturbing as I lay there by the curbing But...

Baby under weight A lady goes to the doctors surgery with a baby for its first check up. The doctor asks the lady to strip the baby down so he can examine the baby, he checks the baby and then asks the lady "is the baby Breast or Bottle fed?" The lady says "Breast fed!" The doctor asks the...

Squrriels

Lunch

Condoms

ABC

Grand Prix Races My wife is an obsessed formula one racing car fanatic and watches every Grand Prix race from around the world every weekend. When I'm sitting beside her on the lounge suite watching these races, she thinks she is a racing car driver. She gets so excited, she leans over and...

Rape whistle

Snow White Movie Remake

The eyes have it A fisherman was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and a gorgeous woman was sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man...

Marriage A guy asks his Mom "If a man and a woman need to get a license to get married. What do two lesbians need, to get married?" Mum says "I don't know, what do they need?" The son says "The Lesbians need a liquor license!"

Little Lizard A little lizard is walking through the jungle and sees a monkey up a big tree, with a cloud of smoke around his head. The lizard says "what are you doing Monkey?" The monkey says "I am smoking a joint!" The lizard climbs the tree and sits next to the monkey and joins in smoking...

Know the truth and the truth will set you free!

Best Memory Cucumbers are great for the memory for people with dementia? Yes a friend of mine had a cucumber shoved up his arse in 1975 and he can still remember it!!

Encyclopedia My wife was out shopping, there was a knock at the door, Knock! Knock! I opened the door and there was a delivery driver, with a huge box, on a trolley. I said “what is that mate?” He replied, “a complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica Sir!” I said “you must have the wrong house...

Prison Specifications

Girlfriend

Elton John