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Halloween Costume. I went to a costume shop to buy a Dracula outfit for Halloween. The shop assistant brought out a Collingwood football club shirt. I said "You must of misheard me, I said I want to look like a Count."

The Shooting A woman heavily pregnant with twins gets shot twice in the stomach... The woman survives and so do the babies, she eventually gives birth to a boy and a girl. many years later the girl came running up to her mum "Mummy mummy, I was having a wee and a bullet came out" the mum told...

Little Jonny Little Johnny wakes up in the middle of the night and hears noises from his mum and dad's room, and goes to investigate.. He walks in, he is directly behind his mum, who is riding Johnny's dad, cowgirl style, unaware that Johnny is behind her and watching. Johnny...what are you...

Pregnancy A little boy goes up to his pregnant mum, points at her fat belly and says, what’s that? She says… (a bit startled…) erm… that’s a baby your daddy gave me that… So the little boy walks off to find his dad with a confused look on his face… “daddy did you give mummy a baby ?” “yeh I...

The Biggest Coward Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest coward. The first kid says," My dad is so scared that when a lightning strikes my dad slides underneath our bed." The second kid goes," That's nothing, my dad is so scared, that when mummy works night shift, my dad...

Mummy takes little Johnny to the Zoo. As they pass the elephant cage, the elephant has an erection. "What's that, Mummy?" asks the child. "Nothing, Johnny, nothing," says the embarrassed mother, swiftly leading him on. A week later Johnny's dad takes him and the same happens. "What's that...

Mummy with Uncle Paul A young daughter is at home when her father calls. The daughter picks up. "Hello?" "Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mummy near the phone?" "No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul." A brief pause. "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul." "Mummy says I...

Little Jimmy in the Car. Little Jimmy is in the car with his mother and shes driving down the highway. A truck in front of them contains adult sex toys. All of a sudden a large black dildo falls off the truck and hits the windscreen of the car. "What was that mummy" says Jimmy, "Oh... it was a...

Little Jimmy in the Car. Little Jimmy is in the car with his mother and shes driving down the highway. A truck in front of them contains adult sex toys. All of a sudden a large black dildo falls off the truck and hits the windscreen of the car. "What was that mummy" says Jimmy, "Oh... it was a...

Valued Absent Employee Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whisper, "Hello." "Is your Mummy home?" he asked. "Yes," whispered the small voice. "May I talk with her?" The child whispered, "No." Surprised...

A scary movie I was watching a movie with my son the other day. He got scared and asked me: “mummy? Is that lady going to die?” I said: “judging by the size of that horse’s cock, yes son.”

Holiday Complaint #1 My fiancé and I requested twin beds when we booked, but instead, we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.

Sells Itself

We Three old Kings

MOOOOooooo

The Young Doctor A young doctor had moved to a small community near Broken Hill to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds so that the community would become used to their new doctor. At the first house a woman complains...

Quick Husband gets home and tells his wife “Quick, get me a beer before it starts.” She gets the beer. He chugs it and says “Quick, get me another before it starts.” She obliges. Husband again chugs it and says “Quick, get me another beer before it starts.” The wife replies “If you...

Sensitivity Training Reasons for Sensitivity Training for Men I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning! The wife suggested I get...

Takeaway

Jihadists "If we can manage to convince the Chinese that Jihadists' bollocks/testicles are aphrodisiacs, within ten years they'll have disappeared..."