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The Advanced New Supermarket As Josh strolled along the street, he saw his buddy Michael striding along anxiously with lots of bags in his hands. "Hey Michael, is everything alright? You seem kind of jumpy." Michael set the bags on the ground and said, "Yeah, I was just now at the...

Sign of the Times Sign on the back of Septic Tank Truck: “Caution! This truck is full of Labour Promises.”

One Liner I don’t care what everyone else says; I don’t think you’re that bad.

TREMORS I'm going to have to get someone to mark my trivia card, one of the side effects of treatment is tremors amongst others plus I need a new keyboard, when the tremors I'm all over th place like a mad woman's' shite?

A Man Goes To Visit His 85-Year-Old Grandpa In The Hospital A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital. “How are you grandpa?” he asks. “Feeling fine,” says the old man. “What’s the food like?” “Terrific, wonderful menus.” “And the nursing?” “Just couldn’t be better. The...

A Woman Goes To Prison A woman goes to prison to visit her husband who has just been sentenced to 40 years in jail. As soon as she enters the visiting room, she hugs him and exclaims with tears in her eyes: – “Oh! Roger, 40 years, Roger.?” And the husband replies: “Well, my love, what are...

A Stand TO MAKE IT STAND YOU WET IT. TO MAKE IT WET YOU SUCK IT. TO MAKE IT STIFF YOU LICK IT. TO GET IT IN YOU PUSH IT. THREADING A NEEDLE ISN'T EASY....

A Blond Changes Hair Color There was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a makeover, so she cut and dyed her hair. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over. "Tell you what. I have a...

Three Paralympian Swimmers Three Paralympian Swimmers Go Head-to-Head Three swimmers are on the starting blocks at the Paralympic games. The first one has no arms, the second one has no legs, and the third one is just a head standing on the block. The race starts, the first two swimmers...

Test Pilot Test Pilot Test Pilot An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, Are you a real pilot? He replied...

The Captain A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week’s shore leave. The first evening, the ship’s Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner: “Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter’s Debutante Ball. I would like you to...

Licence Renewal When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, “I was standing in line so...

GIRLS NIGHT OUT Two women were walking home after a girls' night out and they feel the need to pee, so passing some bushes, they decide to go answer the call of nature. Of course they have no paper, so the first one uses her underwear and then throws it away, while the other woman luckily...

Married Couple and the Gorilla A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla...

Christmas Eve. It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, He noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. “What is that?” he asked. She said, “I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the...

Apple Apple Computer has announced today that it has developed a computer chip, That can store and play HiFi music in women’s breast implants. The iTit will cost between $499 and $699 depending on speaker size. This is considered a major breakthrough because women have always, Complained...

Sunday Silliness 1. I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves. 2. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, and he said he couldn't complain. 3. I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her. 4. People used to laugh at me when I would say "I...

Out Walking I met a bloke walking his dog today. He said "do you want to stroke my cocker spaniel?" I said "sure". In hindsight, I should have chosen the spaniel.

The Black Sheep A professor is sent to darkest part of Africa to live with a primitive tribe He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science: One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child The tribe is shocked and the chief pulls the professor...

Be Careful What You Wish For A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman… “If I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?” Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says, “Sure, impress me and hell, I'll give you a...