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Little Johnny's Dad Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling. She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father...

A Retired General A retired Army General moves into a new apartment after quitting service. Over the next few weeks, his new neighbors realized that on the weekends he would return to his apartment at 2am very drunk, remove his left boot and slam it on the floor, remove his right boot and slam...

A Soldier and the Sergeant. A soldier is reading a book while off duty when he sees his sergeant coming. Everyone hated sergeant Thompson, he always had a big stick up his butt. "Private." "Sergeant Thompson, Sir!" the soldier said, standing up smartly. "At ease." The soldier gladly returned...

A Blonde In The Burns Unit It's a regular day at the hospital when a Blonde woman comes into the burn ward with both of her ears burnt. The doctor in charge had never seen an injury quite like it. "How did you get both sides burnt like that?" He asked her. She says, "well... when I was...

A Man And His Dog A bloke walks into a bar with his dog and says, "I'll have a Scotch and water, and my dog would like a whiskey sour." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't allow animals in here." The dog replies, "Hey, I'm tired of being discriminated against. Just give me a drink." The...

Pinocchio Has Girl Problems. There is a folktale about Pinocchio, one that claims he never became a real boy, but instead grew up and became a wooden man. One night, Pinocchio's girlfriend says to him, “This stinks. I love you Pinocchio, but every time we make love... I get splinters.” So...

An Old Man and A Lady. A 70-year-old man goes to a hotel. He sits at the bar alone, when a gorgeous woman approaches him, whispers she's a prostitute and would he like a good time? The old man, a widower for many years, agrees and they go up to her room, strip down and climb into bed. The old...

Man From China A Chinese man comes to Los Angeles for a holiday. He arrives at LAX and gets a cab to take him to his hotel. On the way he sees a few buses, and he says to the taxi driver: "The buses here are so noisy and really slow... In China the buses are very fast!" The taxi driver says...

A Government Employee A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet. He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp he's never seen before. "This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with...

Buying a Horse. A guy was driving past a farm one day when he noticed a beautiful horse stood in one of the fields. Hoping to buy the horse, the guy stopped and offered the farmer $500 for it. The farmer said, "Sorry, he's not for sale. He doesn't look too good." The guy said, "He looks just...

The Three Nuns. Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines." "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash." The second nun said, "Well, I...

The Classy Nursing Home With their ailing mother needing constant medical supervision, a family decided to bring her to a very expensive and caring nursing home for a day to try it out. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window...

An Unlikely Destination. 2 policemen went on patrol and at 4 o'clock at night when they suddenly saw an older man walking alone in the street wobbling and barely walking a straight line. They stopped him for questioning, make sure he's not drunk in public or getting into a car to drive home...

That's What Happens When You Speed. A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer." the man began, "I can explain". "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..." "But...

The Card Game. A bear, a moose, a fox, a wolf and a snail were playing cards around a table. Suddenly, the bear let out a faint roar and said: “Guys, I’m hungry. Could someone go buy some chocolate, or whatever?” The moose shook his head and nodded towards the fox, who irritatingly slammed his...

Joining The Circus. So, Alex sees an ad in the newspaper that says “Circus Looking for New Talents”. Alex says to himself, “Eh, what the heck. I’m pretty talented.” and calls the circus. A lady answers him. “Hello,” she says. “Hi, is this the circus?” “Yes.” “I’ve heard you’re hiring.”...

Lesson In Human Anatomy. The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my...

Little Johnny And History. In class one day, Mr Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test, and said, 'Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests.' Johnny was astounded and asked Mr Johnson to prove it. 'Well,' said Mr. Johnson, 'I was looking over your test and...

The Ugly One Walter and Linda were a middle aged couple blessed with two beautiful daughters. Although they felt incredibly lucky for having their girls, Walter and Linda always yearned for a boy. They began trying for another baby, and it wasn’t long before Linda became pregnant. Nine months...

A Big City Lawyer A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried...