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What to do with a penguin A bloke comes into a service station for fuel. The attendant notices that he has a penguin in his car. The attendant says to him, "What's with the penguin in your car?" The bloke replies, "Oh, I found it wandering on the road a few kilometres back" The attendant says...

Buying the Paintings An artist asked a gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display. "Well, I have good news and bad news," the owner responded. "The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your...

Drinking Problem A bloke comes into a pub, goes to the bar and says to the barman, "Give us a pint, thanks, mate." So the barman gives him a pint of beer. The bloke skols half the glass and suddenly throws the other half into the barman's face. The barman stands there looking shocked as beer...

Pre-natal classes (with husband) The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make...

Biker at the zoo THE MEDIA: One day at the zoo a young child leaned over the Lion's enclosure wall too far, overbalanced and fell in. The lion immediately loped over towards the child and was obviously going to attack. Nearby stood a big, muscular and heavily tattooed biker. Without hesitation...

Forgetful Priest The local parish priest is furious. Somebody has stolen his bicycle. He tells his housekeeper, "I have a suspicion young Johnny may have taken my bike but I don't have proof." The housekeeper replies, "Why don't you do a sermon on the ten commandments next Sunday. When you get...

Nuns run out of petrol Two nuns were driving along National Highway One out in the middle of nowhere when their car ran out of petrol. The two sisters stood by the vehicle wondering what to do when a petrol tanker pulled up. The truck driver assessed the situation and said he could give them...

Child birth in the 19th century The year was 1881. It was a dark, miserable night when Ebenezer's wife, Mary went into labor. The local Doctor arrived and attended the woman, calling on Ebenezer. "Bring me a lamp, man. I need light." Ebenezer brings the oil lamp and the Doctor bends over...

Calling the police An older gentleman was awoken in the early hours of the morning by noises outside in his yard. He looked through his window and saw two crooks breaking into his shed, so he called the police only to be told that all police patrols were busy and response time would be around...

Contractor visits the Doctor A contractor comes into the local medical clinic. He approaches the desk and tells the receptionist. "I've got a case of shingles" .. "Well, take a seat and the nurse will be with you in a minute" says the receptionist. About fifteen minutes later the nurse comes...

Three men at a funeral A Doctor, a lawyer and a banker all attended the funeral of a very good friend. They were standing by the open coffin when the Doctor said, "I just remembered. I owed Ben $100." He reached into his wallet and took out two crisp new $50 notes and placed them into the...

Little Johnny's Dog Teacher says to Little Johnny, "Johnny, your essay titled 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's essay. Did you copy his essay?" Little Johnny shakes his head and says, "No ma'am. It just so happens we have the same dog."

Two blokes drinking in the pub. Two blokes drinking in the pub, discussing their matrimonial situations. One says, "My missus is a real angel." The other bloke, staring forlornly into his beer, sighs and says, "You're bloody lucky mate. Mine's still around."

Duck Hunting A priest and his friend went duck hunting one morning. They sat in the blind by the lake and waited, and soon a flock of five ducks flew overhead. The priest's friend aimed his shotgun and blasted off both barrels only to see the five ducks continue on unscathed. "Goddamn it...

Bloke goes to the Doctor... Bloke goes to the Doctor and is told by the Doc that he has only six months to live. He decides to make the most of his remaining six months, so he parties .. Drinks heaps of alcohol, smokes some 'funny weed', carouses with any woman that will have him. Six months...

Just new here Hello all. My name's René (Ren-AY) .. Main interests are good music and good fun.