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Police Bulletin!

Make Up Your Mind! My wife packed my bags and told me to leave. As I was headed out the door, she said, "I hope you live a long and lonely life!” I replied, "So now you want me to stay?"

Alternate Definitions To Common Words 1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs. 2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained. 3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. 4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk. 5...

Enough To Drive You To Drink! " Mick, the Australian Bureau of Statistics have just released some alarming figures......." " And what are they Paddy..."..??? " They reckon 90% of the people who live on the Gold Coast in Queensland are over 55..." " They also claim that 90% of the residents in...

How True! How True! One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well... The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He...

Hot Mama Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris...

Driven! A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?' 'Yep!' 'Do I know her?' 'Nope!' 'This woman, is she good looking?' 'Not really.' 'Is she a good cook?' 'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 'Does she have lots of money?' 'Nope! Poor as a church...

The Retirement Centre Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' Slim says, 'I feel just like a...

Garage Door. The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and...

Digestable!

One Liners! · The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless. · Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with flat squirrels. · Happiness is not having to set...

Scared!

Four Letter Words! A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. “I’m OK, but I didn’t like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,” he answered. “What did he say,” asked the nurse. “Oops!”

Juan, Two, Three! Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. “How was he killed?” asked one detective. “With a golf gun,” the other detective replied. “A golf gun! What is a golf gun?” “I don’t know. But it sure made a hole in Juan”

Just a minute! A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, “Can you tell me how long it’ll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?” The agent replies, “Just a minute.” “Thank you,” the blonde says, and hangs up.

Travelin! Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the Prime Ministers Residence, in Canberra. One is from Sydney, another is from Melbourne, and the third is from this Irish Traveler guy. All three go with a Government official to examine the fence. The Sydney contractor takes...

Brew Ha Ha! I was in a cafe today and two waitresses had a massive row over how long to leave a teabag in the cup and it got so bad it ended up in violence. I asked the manager what had happened and he told me it had been brewing for ages.

''Underneath The Arches!'' “My son had to give up his career because of fallen arches,” said a man to his friend. “He’s an athlete?” the friend asked. The man shook his head and replied, “An architect.”

The Varnish Incident My wife, Judy, had been asking me for weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet. After putting it off for far too long, I finally decided to get it done while she was out running errands. Feeling accomplished, I finished the job and left the house to take care of...

Driving Test After twelve attempts, my wife finally passed her driving test. I asked her what I could get for her as a celebration gift. ''Just something cheap to run around in.'' She said. So I bought her a pair of trainers from K mart!