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Double Dip A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?' God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.' Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay...

Soy Anara!

Left The Toy! I went to ''McDonalds'' today and ate a kids meal. It was really good but his mum was furious!

Trumped!

Starry Starry Night! I saw Vincent Van Gogh in the pub the other night. I said "Oi Vinny d`you want a drink", he said "No thanks I`ve got one ear".

A Good Reason! The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?" "There is." he replied, "Breakfast."

Diaries! Wife's Diary: Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing...

The Irish Flagpole Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, But we don't have a ladder..' The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her...

Slurp! Slurp!

Warning

''A Tent Of!''

The Proposal He was a widower and she was a widow. They had known each other for a long time having been high school classmates and, without fail, attended class reunions every year. On the 60th reunion of their class they had a wonderful, high spirited evening, the widower throwing admiring...

Perception!

Holiday Romance Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise, and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to...

Bragging Rites! Two farmers were bragging about how effective each other's scarecrows were. "My scarecrow is so scary," the first farmer said. "That it frightened every single crow off of my farm." "I can top you on that," replied the second farmer. "My scarecrow scared the crows so much that...

Bully Biker

Time For A Change

Failed Telephone Survey Last month, a worldwide telephone survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a complete failure because: In Eastern...

Parsley, Sage, Rosemary & Time! I was busy in the garden when the neighbour looked over the fence and asked “What are you doing?” I said “I'm putting all my plants in alphabetical order” She replied “Really? I don't know how you find the time!” Oh that's easy I said, “Its right next to the sage.”

Them, That & Thingy!