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''Op It!'' Paddy was a previous Irish champion in the Hop, step and jump..... But unfortunately he lost a leg in a horrible motor cycle accident...... He wrote to the Olympic committee asking if they could introduce a new event called " The Hop, hop, and hop "....

POLITICS Jay Leno ~ If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. Henry VII - The problem with political jokes is they get elected. Aesop ~ We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. Nikita Khrushchev ~ Politicians are the same all over. They...

Mugged! My Grandma's sense of humor has always been her strongest attribute. She was mugged a few years ago, unfortunately. As the young punk held her up and demanded all her money, she said, "I don't have any money." "I don't believe you! I'm gonna search you!" he sneered. So he started...

NDIS! After retiring, I went to the Centrelink office to apply for a pension. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and...

The Chinese Tourist A Chinese man comes to Los Angeles for a holiday. He arrives at LAX and gets a cab to take him to his hotel. On the way he sees a few buses, and he says to the taxi driver: "The buses here are so noisy and really slow... In China the buses are very fast!" The taxi driver...

Stolen 'Meme'-ories! 1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison. 2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it. 3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight. 4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles. 5...

Life • I took my suit to the cleaners, who wanted to charge me $40, so I gave it to the charity shop next door. They cleaned and pressed it and put it in the window. I bought it back for $15. • My wife and I decided to never go to bed angry. We've been awake since Tuesday. • My wife...

Careful!!!! A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet. He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp he's never seen before. "This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him...

Lost In Translation! A salesman returns from his assignment in Saudi Arabia, where he went to sell them a new brand of Coca-Cola. Seeing his crestfallen face, a friend asks him: "Why the long face?" The salesman replied: "I failed in Saudi-Arabia, the campaign was a total failure." "Why is...

AND EVEN MORE! Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true? Me: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers. Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember. . . Don't...

EVEN MORE PONDERABLES Just remember, once you're over the hill, you begin to pick up speed. Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house. It's weird being the same age as old people. When I was a kid, I wanted to be older . . ...

MORE PONDERABLES I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web. Senility has been a smooth transition for me. I may not be that funny, athletic, good-looking, smart, or talented but … I forgot where I was going with this. I love being old, I learn something new...

PONDERABLES Don't be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years. If you can't think of a word, just say, “I forgot the English word for it”. That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot. I'm at a...

It's A Wonderful World!

I Quit! I had to quit my job in construction because I wasn't big or strong enough! I had to give them a too weak notice

Do It When You Can If you want to change the world, do it when you are single! Once you' re married, you can't even change the TV channel.

Some Wiser One Liners! My girlfriend says I'm cheap, so I took her out for tea and biscuits. It was quite exciting as she had never given blood before. Non-alcoholic beer is like watching porn on the radio My wife wants me to wear a bracelet that belonged to her grandfather. It says "Do Not...

Lighten Up! A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?" His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you." The man goes, "Are my children here?" "Yes, Daddy, we are all here," say the children. "Are my...

Lapland! Son: ''Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'' Mum: ''Well, you have done the right thing.'' Son: ''But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.''

HIStory! Mrs has Mr in it. She has he in it. Madam has Adam in it. Ever noticed how all women's problems start with MEN? MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENopause, GUYnocologist...... And when we have real trouble, it's a HIStorectomy!!!!!