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Spielberg! A Chinese man walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbour, get outta here."...

Judgemental! "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that, too." "Wow, that's incredible. How did he know all of that?" "A judge told him."

Taking Instructions! A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the...

Unsatisfied

Stickers " Mick, i met a bloke the other day who was so depressed, so downcast, he thought he was worthless in his current employment....." " Mick i tried to cheer Seamus up with some words of encouragement to convince him that whatever he did, it was important " " So Paddy, what was his line...

Getting Off!

Flushed! The teacher asked Little Johnny if he knew his numbers. “Yes,” he said. “My dad taught me.” “Good. So what comes after eight?” “Nine,” answered Little Johnny. “And what comes after nine?” “Ten.” “And what comes after ten?” “The Jack.”

Sometimes It's Just Obvious!

Doin Time! A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She...

2024 Darwin Awards Yes, it's that magical time when Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here is the glorious winner: 1. When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot...

Sucked In! A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation. After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our...

Group Booking

A Helpful Call From Pakistan! I had a phone conversation today with a very nice young chap from Pakistan. This is how it went: "Hello, how are you today?" "I'm very well thank you for asking, how are you and more to the point, WHO are you?" "Madam, my name is Sanjit, and I'm calling you from...

Takin A Break! I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early, I'm going to be a father!" "Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off!" When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk, "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?" "I dunno, I'll tell you in 9 months."

Too Much!

Rectal Examination

Obituary A woman goes to the local newspaper office to see that the death notice for her recently deceased husband is published. The editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word. She pauses, reflects, and then she says, well then, let it read: "Fred Brown died." Amused at...

Diploma A grandmother was pushing her little grandchild around KMart in a buggy. Each time she put something in the basket she would say, ''And here's something for you, Diploma," or "This will make a cute little outfit for you, Diploma," and so on. Eventually a bewildered shopper who had heard...

Check Up (Adult Content)

land Resumption An indigenous Australian gentleman was at a Bunnings store purchasing a few bags of gardening soil. As he waited in line to pay for his bags of dirt, a guy behind him spoke to him. "You gonna do some planting?" The Aboriginal guy turned to him and, with a very serious face...