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Do I Know You? A guy goes to the supermarket one day. He’s doing his shopping when he notices an attractive young woman waving at him. She comes over and says hi to him. He’s taken aback because he can’t think where he knows her from. So he asks her, “Do you know me?” She replies, “Yes, I...

Want To Buy My Doll? Unaware that her daughter is hiding in the bedroom closet, a mom brings a lover to her bedroom while her husband is at work. Her husband arrives home unexpectedly, forcing her to quickly hide her lover in the same bedroom closet where her daughter was already hiding. The...

Des-piesed A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica, $3.75 in Bermuda, and $3 in the Bahamas. Those are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.

Guitar Man! A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection… The judge asks her, “First offender?” She says, “No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!”

Ilinoing! What is 3/7 chicken, 2/3 cat & 1/2 goat? Chicago!

The Importance of Walking Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.. My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell he is. I...

Positive The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn’t know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and I started jumping up and down along with her. She said, “I have some really great news!” I said, “Great...

Carpentry Pun.

Crowded House! " Mick, I believe there will be many, many hundreds of people who will attend my funeral one day ".... "And why is that Paddy, maybe because they all loved and respected you...and are sad to see you go " ??? "No nothing like that Mick, they are all happy to see the end of me...

Memoir! When Tom Hanks writes his memoir, it should be called... "T. Hanks - For the Memories"

Alexa Is Listening! An elderly couple decided they just spent too much time and energy complaining about all their aches and pains. “Let’s agree to not say a word about our ailments,” suggested the wife. “We’ll talk about something else or say nothing at all.” “Great idea!” replied the...

My Defence!

Where Are You? A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred for real. He asked his class...

Zoo's Who! Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him. "So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home. "Great," Little Johnny replied. "Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his...

Donald Trumps Door Camera Today

Swiss Army Scythe

Startling! I was walking down the road and saw my neighbor standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, “What’s wrong?" He replied, "It won’t start!”

People Person

Therapy A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had. She went on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and...

The Germinator! So I was in the chemist lab and I said to the assistant, “What gets rid of germs?” She said, "Ammonia cleaner." I said, "Oh sorry, I thought you worked here...”