Expert debunks eight common sex myths that kill relationships

Sex is a topic that has been shrouded in mystery and misconceptions for centuries.

From the belief that great sex is all about frequency to the notion that angry sex is the best kind, there are countless myths that have been perpetuated over time.

These misconceptions can not only lead to unrealistic expectations but can also cause unnecessary strain on relationships.



Emily Nagoski, a renowned Sex Educator, has taken it upon herself to debunk these myths in her latest book, Come Together.

She argued that many of the beliefs we hold about sex, especially in long-term relationships, are not only false but can be detrimental to our relationships and sexual satisfaction.

Below are the eight myths about sex and relationships that were debunked:


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An expert has debunked eight common myths about sex and relationships. Image source: Freepik.


1. The 'Spark' Myth

One of the most common misconceptions is that sex is always better at the beginning of a relationship, and as time goes on, the 'spark' inevitably fizzles out.

Nagoski argued that this belief is fundamentally flawed.

'Great sex over the long term isn’t about how often you do it or where you do it or with whom or in what positions or how many orgasms you have or even how enthusiastically you anticipate sex, but how much you like the sex you are having,' she said.



2. The 'Angry Sex' Myth

Pop culture often portrays angry sex as passionate and exciting.

'We are often taught that rage and lust are closely linked and maybe even belong together,' Nagoski said.

'It’s a lie.'

Nagoski said that rage and lust should never co-exist in a healthy, functional long-term sexual connection.

Instead, she advocated for playful sex, which is much better for all parties involved.

3. The 'Spontaneous Sex' Myth

The belief that great sex should be spontaneous and borne out of mutual horniness is another myth that Nagoski debunked.

She suggested that 'responsive desire', which often shows up as scheduled sex, is where couples hit the jackpot.

'Here you plan ahead, prepare, groom, get a babysitter, and then you show up. You put your body in the bed, you let your skin touch your partner’s skin, and your body wakes up,' she explained.

'Responsive desire. Not “passion”, not “spark”, but pleasure, trust, and mutuality. That’s the fundamental empirical reason to centre pleasure over spark.'



4. The 'Frequency' Myth

Contrary to popular belief, Nagoski claimed that there is very little relationship between the frequency of sex and sexual or relationship satisfaction.

She emphasised that the focus should be on the quality of the sexual experience rather than the quantity.

Nagoski also normalised dry spells as she has experienced it herself.

5. The 'Novelty and Adventure' Myth

While trying new things can be exciting, Nagoski shared that novelty and adventure do not define great sex in long-term relationships.

In fact, she claimed that one sexual behaviour that predicts sex and relationship satisfaction better than any other is cuddling after sex.

6. The 'Vibrator Addiction' Myth

Contrary to the belief that you can get addicted to a vibrator, Nagoski argued that this is not true.

However, she does caution that using a vibrator can reset your expectations when you're with a human, leading to frustration that it's 'taking too long'.



7. The 'Attractiveness' Myth

The belief that more attractive people have better sex is another myth that Nagoski debunked.

'People think it’s attractiveness, being conventionally good-looking, or it’s having a perfect body.'

She argued that having these qualities does not determine the quality of your sex life.

'The reality is your body is lovable right now, and your health can’t be measured on a scale. You were lied to. And the changes we experience with age are the fascinating prize we win for being lucky enough to grow older.'

8. The 'Skills' Myth

Finally, Nagoski debunked the myth that being a 'skilled' lover is essential for great sex.

She claimed that the only 'skill' you need is the ability to pay attention to your partner and to your own internal experience at the same time.

That, and communication.

And when communication fails, she suggested turning to play.

'Even in my relationship with genuinely superb communication, we can’t always reach each other,' Nagoski shared.

'But there’s something we always do right: We can laugh at us.'
Key Takeaways
  • Renowned Sex Educator Emily Nagoski dispelled eight common myths that can affect the quality of sex in long-term relationships.
  • Nagoski explained that great sex over time isn't about frequency or novelty but about the enjoyment of the sexual experience you are having with your partner.
  • The concept of cuddling post-sex has a stronger correlation with relationship satisfaction than the pursuit of spontaneous or adventurous sex.
  • Astonishingly, the attractiveness or 'skill' of a lover isn't as important as the ability to communicate, pay attention to one’s partner, and share pleasure and trust within the relationship.
What are your thoughts on these debunked myths? Have you held any of these misconceptions? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below.
 
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It's a bit like ice cream - we all like different flavours on different days with differing amounts. No one thing is right and to each his own. Finding the right partner is the major task then sorting out likes the next thing. And if you don't have a partner or are celibate by choice that's fine too.
 
We had great sex as teenagers but as the kids came it was more like wam bam thank you mamme.
But then in our early 40s we had the most amazing sex ever. It's like we really connected , I remember hubby saying he had fallen in love all over again.

I'm more of a night time person, where hubby was both night and morning.

We also had spontaneous sex and I'm talking about when we were in our 40s including .. sorry can't say
 
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We had great sex as teenagers but as the kids came it was more like wam bam thank you mamme.
But then in our early 40s we had the most amazing sex ever. It's like we really connected , I remember hubby saying he had fallen in love all over again.

I'm more of a night time person, where hubby was both night and morning.

We also had spontaneous sex and I'm talking about when we were in our 40s including .. sorry can't say
Suzanne rose, it sounds like you have had a great marriage with a lot of fun times. I feel lucky to have married a wonderful, loving, considerate man, we have always enjoyed amazing sex, there have been many different phases, from can’t get enough when we were young and newly in love, to a slow down when we became parents and had so much more to do, to a resurgence when the kids were older and we weren’t as tired, this was like a return to pre kid days. Times and places varied depending where we were and what else we were doing. Now we prefer the comfort of a bed, our aches and pains don’t like too much frolicking, but we still enjoy ourselves.
 
Suzanne rose, it sounds like you have had a great marriage with a lot of fun times. I feel lucky to have married a wonderful, loving, considerate man, we have always enjoyed amazing sex, there have been many different phases, from can’t get enough when we were young and newly in love, to a slow down when we became parents and had so much more to do, to a resurgence when the kids were older and we weren’t as tired, this was like a return to pre kid days. Times and places varied depending where we were and what else we were doing. Now we prefer the comfort of a bed, our aches and pains don’t like too much frolicking, but we still enjoy ourselves.
Isn't it funny how there are different phases.

You too sound like you have a great marriage

Sadly we have seen many friends divorce in their 40s or one or the other have affairs.

I think when you have kids your sex life sort of gets put on hold. I remember saying many nights, ' not tonight or I have a headache. I can understand now how marriages can break down or affairs can happen.

I guess I rewarded him when our kids were older and as he says An afternoon delight.

Maybe this should be taught to young married couples
 
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Affairs, marriage breakdowns & the possibility of divorce are something that can happen to what appear to be the best marriages. Some partners can even become recidivists, in a sense. This is exactly what happened to one of my daughters. Married with one child & the second due within days & the 'bombshell'. He tells her he is having an affair. A couple of years later, after the divorce, he married his mistress, had two children with her & yes, it happened again. He divorced wife #2 & basically lived a solo life; besides, Child Welfare took a whack of his wages, nothing for entertainment.

Fast forward 18 years, his eldest son, my daughter's first son, my 1st grandchild marries & 5 months later history repeats itself. Just like his father he starts an affair, only this time there are no children, just a broken hearted wife, disappointed mother & disbelieving grandparents. We hope this will be resolved in time but.....

My grandson is easily led & influenced but this still came like a bolt out of the blue, totally unexpected. Luckily his brother has not followed in his father's tracks.

What ever happened to talking things out in marriage?
 
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